Biden Refuses to Leave White House

Biden Refuses to Leave White House

WASHINGTON—“Barry, can you fuckin’ believe this guy?” began Vice President Joe Biden’s impromptu speech at yesterday’s White House End-of-Term Bash, report inside sources. “What’s he…

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Dartmouth's Most Inconvenient Library Sinkholes, Ranked

Dartmouth’s Most Inconvenient Library Sinkholes, Ranked

Sinkholes are always a pain. Luckily, most of Dartmouth’s library sinkholes are pretty easy to avoid, as long as you’re careful. There are, however, a…

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The Blight of the Zamboni Man

The Blight of the Zamboni Man

It’s hard being the Zamboni man. At first, it seems great. Feeling the chill in your bones, watching hockey games, guiding that magnificent she-beast across…

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The Dartmovth 16F

The Dartmovth 16F

Fake D 16F

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What a Relief: Area Woman Will No Longer Need to Remember to Take Her Birth Control

What a Relief: Area Woman Will No Longer Need to Remember to Take Her Birth Control

Thanks to the 2016 presidential election and the changes in reproductive health policy that are likely to follow, 26-year-old Elizabeth Harvey will no longer face…

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130-Year-Old Chicagoan Not Excited by Cubs Win

130-Year-Old Chicagoan Not Excited by Cubs Win

Beatrice Jankowski, a native Chicagoan 130 years of age, tells reporters that the Cubs’ World Series win just doesn’t excite her. These past couple days,…

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This Corn Maze Has Been Fun But It’s Starting to Get Dark Out

This Corn Maze Has Been Fun But It’s Starting to Get Dark Out

I’ve had such a great afternoon in this corn maze. It has been exhilarating to roam through the towering cornstalks, strolling through soft soil and…

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Residents of Shitty Dorms Wish They Were the Ones Forced to Relocate in Tragic Fire

Residents of Shitty Dorms Wish They Were the Ones Forced to Relocate in Tragic Fire

After a fire in Morton Hall forced 70 students to find new housing this weekend, residents of older, less desirable dorms on campus reportedly hoped…

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