Adjunct Professor Robert T. Wade of Dartmouth’s English department recently snagged a luxurious office in Janitorial Closet 102 of the Hopkins Center. Wade, whose former office was located in a now defunct telephone booth, was excited at his newfound opulence.
“I’m so glad I was lucky enough win the office lottery!” Wade remarked ecstatically. “I now have enough space to actually sit down!”
Squatting on top of a grimy plastic bucket still dripping with mop water, Wade spread his arms and boasted about the seven square feet he now had to himself.
“See,” the professor giggled. “I can actually stretch one of my arms! A whole arm! I’m working like royalty in here!”
Professor Wade also recognized that other professors had better offices that he did. Wade compared his new office with Assistant History Professor Anita O’Fisse’s even fancier and even more spacious office in the stall of the neighboring women’s restroom.
“O’Fisse may have a lovely toilet to sit on and a metal railing to put her books on,” Professor Wade conceded. “But I am perfectly content with the amazing office that I currently have. I can balance my copy of “Hamlet” on the doorknob and even eat the roaches as a free and convenient snack!”
Other professors have expressed doubts on the quality of Professor Wade’s new office. While nearly all professors admitted that Wade has had an upgrade, the modern languages department was tinged with pessimism.
“Good for him,” Assistant Junior Spanish Lecturer Ivanna Mesa stated, “I think that he’ll appreciate his fancy electric light, but Wade’s office is so hard to find. Mine is inside Baker Tower’s bell, so I always know where it is.”
“Pah,” remarked Visiting Adjunct Research Associate Instructor Nonna Préciée of the French Department, “Wade thinks his office is so good, but he’s delusional. Janitorial Closet 102 is far too quiet, and it’s too easy to lose track of time there. My office is right underneath Dartmouth’s Hall’s staircase. Even if I get distracted by my seventy-hour research weeks, the tremor of students’ footsteps reminds me to teach my classes.”
Adjunct Professor Wade, unfazed by his colleagues’ criticism, was last seen making further improvements to his office by warding off errant smells of ammonia and bleach with an air freshener.
– JQ ’20