Despite Record Levels of Diversity and Achievement, Incoming Class of 2021 Contains Some Complete Assholes

HANOVER, NH — In an exciting moment for prospective and current students, faculty, administrators, and alumni alike, Dartmouth’s admissions department sent acceptance letters to 2,092 regular decision applicants for the Class of 2021 on Friday, creating a pool of highly qualified prospective students that includes National Merit Scholars, Olympic athletes, Questbridge finalists, and, of course, a not-insubstantial number of total assholes.

In a statement sent directly to the editors of the Jack-O-Lantern on Friday, the College’s admissions officers explained that “the Class of 2021 is a truly special one. Some of the students we’ve accepted have incredibly unique and rare talents that will contribute to the character of the College. Other admitted students possess unique international worldviews that will greatly benefit global discourse on campus. Finally, as we do every year, we made sure to take a few students that had the impeccable ability to excel in high school despite being genuinely shitty human beings. It’s a well-rounded class overall.”
 
Although each and every member of the Class of 2021 deserves special commendation,  notable incoming students include Michael Mackenzie, who spent each summer of his high school career building homes for earthquake victims in the devastated urban areas of Haiti, and Rebecca Alton, who developed a way for paralyzed individuals to surf independently as a tenth grader. Additional students of note include Jasmine Roberts, who called her mother a “raging bitch” for serving brussels sprouts at dinner as recently as last month, and Nicholas Niles, who has been known to throw his iPhone against a cement sidewalk each September so his parents have “no choice” but to buy him the latest model.

Quantitative data released by the Office of Undergraduate Admissions shows that of the students accepted to join Dartmouth’s Class of 2021, 99 percent will graduate in the top decile of their high school class, 30 percent will matriculate from high schools outside of the United States, 25 percent will be the first in their family to attend college, and 12 percent will reveal themselves to be complete and utter shitheads as soon as they arrive at the steps of Robinson Hall for First-Year Trips in August. Although this last metric fails to fulfill the “10 percent asshole” goal outlined in College President Philip J. Hanlon’s “Moving Dartmouth Forward” campaign, campus admissions officers reassured Jack-O-Lantern reporters that the number of assholes accepted for the Class of 2021 was, in fact, no greater than the number of full-on jackasses offered admission in any other year. Said one representative of the admissions department, “while we may have accepted one or two more jerks into the Class of 2021 than we anticipated, we see this year’s asshole percentage as a step in the right direction. Definitely.”
 
– SB ’20