Republicans Heroically Pass Plan to Avoid Catastrophic Overpopulation
On Thursday, Republicans in the House voted to pass the American Health Care Act that would, they say, prevent mankind from suffering the tragic fate of uncontrollable famine. For years, the Republican party has warned Americans that, as Thomas Malthus predicted, the power of population is so superior to the power of the earth to produce subsistence for man, that premature death must in some shape or other visit the human race.
To prevent the population from growing beyond the point of agricultural production, Republicans have hurriedly passed a bill taking tens of millions of Americans off of their health insurance, making the remaining insurance premiums higher for those most vulnerable, and allowing states to discriminate against people with pre-existing conditions.
“This is our best chance to save humanity,” Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) said to reporters after the vote. “Continuous Democratic obstruction thwarted our attempts to ban automobile airbags, build sewage plants near well-water, and allow military practice raids in suburban neighborhoods.”
Some on the right did not think the original bill went far enough to reduce the population, but after negotiations and some more lethal provisions, the AHCA squeaked by the house with 217 votes. Conservative voters also like the plan’s tax breaks for the wealthiest Americans.
“Luckily, after many of the middle class and low-income families die out, the remaining Americans will have plenty in their trust funds to create more jobs and grow the economy,” said one AHCA supporter.
The bill has yet to pass the Senate, but Republicans are confident that once lawmakers realize the geometric ratio of population growth and the inevitable limitation of the earth to produce sufficient fruit for the consumption of man, they will see the urgent need to take action.