James Comey Updates His LinkedIn

On May 12th, 2017, The Honorable James Comey, Former Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, was seen updating his LinkedIn page. After President Trump dramatically fired him on May 9th in a turn of events that shocked the nation and potentially triggered a Constitutional crisis, he has decided to “put all that behind him” and re-enter the job hunt. Comey was seen adding proficiencies in both top-secret national security and domestic counterterrorism policy and Microsoft Excel. Comey was also endorsed in “having no credibility” by Congresswoman Maxine Waters. “I mean, I always thought that I should follow my heart and try to find a job that is really fulfilling,” said Comey. “But at this point, I don’t have anything financially stable on my radar and I really should start looking for something to get my mom off of my case.”

After a days-long Netflix binge, the former director of the primary law enforcement agency in the nation was seen taking professional pictures for his website. “I saw him in a suit and tie, and I got so excited,” said his wife Patrice. “Unfortunately, he was just getting dressed up to get a new profile picture. I’m disappointed, but at least he changed out of his old sweatpants.” After getting his picture taken, Comey could be seen ranting about the difficulties of his job search over brunch with former FBI Director Robert Mueller, who later said that Comey “needed to stop being such a dick and get a real job instead of complaining about it”.

The former prosecutor who had served as the deputy special counsel to the Senate Whitewater Committee was recently spotted serving lattes at Starbucks’ Capitol Hill location. “This is just a side gig until I can get my act together a little bit,” said Comey, who is making minimum wage despite having a B.A. in Chemistry and Religion from William and Mary and a J.D. from the University of Chicago.

After some serious self-reflection, Comey has been planning a trip around the world in order to find himself. “Maybe this time of unemployment is a blessing in disguise,” said Comey, who was last seen planning a backpacking route across Southeast Asia with some of the other former officials fired by President Trump, including former Acting Attorney General Sally Yates and former U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York Preet Bhahara.

JW ’20