Area Dad Gives Freshman Son Extremely Unrealistic Amount of Condoms
Sources confirm that despite overwhelming evidence to refrain, area man Dwayne Rogers has given his son, Max Rogers ’21, a wholly unrealistic amount of condoms for the start of his freshman year.
“I know this isn’t much,” Rogers said with a wink, seemingly blind to his son’s Junior Varsity Chess jersey and recently-readjusted headgear, “But hey, I thought I’d get you the starter pack.”
Rogers was seen earlier this week smugly perusing the Family Planning section of the pharmacy with his son. Witnesses confirmed that every passerby was greeted with a proud smile, shrug, and admission that “My son’s headed off to college, if you know what I mean,” while Max attempted to hide behind a shelf of vaginal ointments before his father could jovially slap him on the back.
“He seems very confident that Max will turn into some kind of Italian sex god,” said their neighbor Carol Simms, “This past week Dwayne has only greeted me while whistling and giving finger-guns.”
Sources have confirmed that Rogers also stopped by the local WalMart in order to purchase several “Sexy Girls Playing Tennis” posters for his son, which will likely be hung next to Max’s DUMBLEDORE IS NOT GANDALF sign.
Presumably nervous to correct his ill-advised father, Max reportedly accepted the gifts with virginal enthusiasm, then placed the package in his suitcase alongside his collector’s-edition Starcraft discs, only to be shifted to a dorm room drawer in which to gather dust. At press time, Max was watching a League of Legends live stream in his room as no one touched his genitals.