Making a difference: This Dartmouth student found a used condom outside her dorm and nursed it back to health

Every student at Dartmouth has witnessed the all-too-common scene of an expended condom lying on the sidewalk. The problem is usually framed as a public health and sanitation issue; however, there’s another rarely discussed side of the story. As Kathryn Dwyer ’20 puts it, “No one ever considers how the poor little condoms feel.” Kathryn saw a humanitarian crisis, and she decided to do something about it. In an act of utter selflessness, she has taken in a condom off the street and nursed it back to health.

“I was leaving my dorm on my way to Baker when I found the condom,” Kathryn told us. “Everyone was walking straight past the scene, not noticing or deliberately averting their eyes from the defiled contraceptive. But my heart broke for the little guy. I approached the rubber deliberately but non-threateningly and introduced my scent to it. I could immediately tell it liked me, so I decided to take it in.”

Kathryn’s first move was to contact the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center, but when they informed her that they could not accept a condom due to policy, she elected to care for it herself. It would soon become apparent to Kathryn that she had made a lifelong companion in that defiled piece of processed plastic material. In the words of her friend, Alexa Nuge ’20, “It’s adorable–Kat and that little fuck accessory are practically inseparable.”

After months of care and nurture, Kathryn helped the condom make a complete recovery. “Once the condom reached full health and strength,” Kathryn explained, “I tried to set it free outside my dorm. The thing is, when I left for class a few hours later, I found the little guy waiting right where I left him, on the front steps of Fahey. I knew then and there that what it really wanted was to stay with me.”

Kathryn’s story has been circulating campus for some time now. Sarah Brunt ’21 told reporters, “The pictures are so cute. I want one!” “I’m just happy someone’s finally sticking up for the little guy, ” said Ben Kerman ’19. Said Vanessa Mill ’18, “What the fuck; that’s nasty.”

At press time, a new controversy has arisen over the condom. Jason Shew ’19, the original owner and debaucher of the condom, has announced he is suing for custody.

– GA ’21