All eyes are on Brian, the specific Hanover High student the Green Key wristbands are designed to keep out this year

As the 2017 Green Key concert approaches, Dartmouth staff and community members alike are watching out for Brian, a Hanover High senior with the potential to cause so much destruction at this year’s event that the college has designed wristbands specifically to keep him from entering. Over the past few weeks, Programming Board has delivered fabric wristbands to each student’s Hinman box individually, with the explicit purpose of ensuring that Brian comes nowhere near Goldcoast Lawn between 6 and 8pm next Friday.

“We know that Green Key attendees will inevitably be engaging in some form of shenanigans next weekend,” said James Roberts, one of the organizers of this year’s concert, “But whether that means doing keg stands or streaking Webster Ave, we sure as hell don’t want Brian to be a part of it.”

Earlier today, the entire student body received an e-mail with detailed instructions for donning the sanctioned wristband, such as “do not accidentally tighten the wristband before putting it on,” and “by all means, keep your wristband away from Brian.” While each student is allowed to request additional wristbands for up to three guests, the last column of the guest sign-up sheet screens for individuals who have had any contact with Brian before, making those who say yes ineligible to attend.

“Brian’s behavior at last year’s concert was so obscene and deplorable that we’ve taken drastic measures to ensure that nothing similar happens again at this college,” reported the head of Safety and Security. Accordingly, S&S guards will be stationed at each entrance to the concert next week, having undergone extensive training to identify Brian based on size, features, and mannerisms.

At press time, the administration was horrified to discover that Brian is in fact a Dartmouth ’21.