Young woman sitting in front of laptop beside a pile of thick textbooks while reading one with a frustrated stressed expression

Student Disappointed by Lack of Week 8 Burnout

Something is very wrong in the world of Jillian Giles ’19. The problem, actually, is that nothing is wrong; despite all her intense preparation for the seemingly inevitable event of a Week 8 burnout, it’s already Week 9 and, to her great disappointment, she shows no signs of slowing down.

“I was so psyched to break into my 15-pound stash of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream,” Giles complained. “I stocked up Week 7 expecting to burst into tears because of a 10-page research paper, blackout in TDX basement, and intense debate about whether I should work at Goldman Sachs or JP Morgan. But reading period is next week, so I don’t even have inconveniently timed midterms to stress about anymore — just my much more manageable finals.”

The ’19 added that she had also planned for a four-hour FaceTime call with her best friend back home and a Julia Roberts movie marathon starting with “My Best Friend’s Wedding.” However, neither ended up happening due to her unfortunately stable mental state and reasonable preparation for her classes.

Giles was not the only one taken aback by her sudden resilience in the face of the dreaded Week 8. Jonathan Milton, her major advisor, was both shocked and relieved when he discovered that the ’19 actually had her shit together for once.

“Every term before this, Jillian has stormed into my office at 3:59 on Friday of Week 8 just as I’m closing up, demanding that I stay another hour to hear about how hard it is being an Econ major,” Milton explained. “I was honestly bewildered when the clock struck 4:00 and my door remained closed.”

Milton explained that, although he considered emailing Giles and asking if everything was alright, he decided not to because he feared that would be looking a gift horse in the mouth.

“Whatever possessed her to not bitch out her Econ prof — which, to be clear, she has done every term since her freshman fall — I have to say, I appreciate it,” Milton added. “I can’t say I was looking forward to hearing my colleagues being called ‘dusty old cows’ for 20 minutes straight again.”

At press time, Giles was seen storming towards Silsby, tub of Phish Food in hand, to confront Milton because of an unexpected but entirely welcome Week 9 breakdown.

– HC ‘ 20