Everybody Wants to Talk About Undergraduate Housing But No One Ever Asks About My 573 Pages Of Daniel Webster Fan Fiction: By Phil Hanlon

As President, I have often heard from students who are worried about on-campus housing. From comments about the room draw process to criticisms of the upkeep of dorm buildings, I’ve heard it all, and I plan to address these issues. But I wish that just once, someone could start a discussion about a different topic — such as the fact that I have written a 573-page-long fan fiction novel about Daniel Webster.

Look, I get it. Everyone wants to know how the College could ever renovate the older dorm buildings, given that housing is at maximum capacity. I know that this is worrisome, and I understand the concerns that students and alumni have brought to me. But would anyone rather hear how brave Daniel Webster is when he vanquishes Morlak the Moose and saves all of Grafton County from a dreadful stampede? That happens on pages 122 to 145 and again in Chapter Six of my fan fiction, in case anyone is interested.

By the way, if you ask me, complaining about the condition of on-campus housing is old news. At this point we all know that most buildings lack elevators and the Choates has asbestos. Maybe we could discuss a new topic, such as the incredibly dramatic scene in my fan fiction when Daniel Webster is unexpectedly visited by the ghost of Mary Brinsmead.

If anyone was wondering, Mary Brinsmead was the second wife of College founder Eleazar Wheelock. And man, does she stir up some drama in Part Five, Act Three of the fan fiction that I hope to one day publish as an e-book.

I understand that many upperclassmen come back from off-terms wondering if they’ll be able to secure a room on campus. Trust me, I’m sympathetic to this plight, and I don’t want anyone to worry about something as basic as where they will be able to live. If someone feels stressed about this situation and wants to unwind, may I suggest turning to Section 4B of the Daniel Webster fan fiction that I wrote and copy-edited all by myself? Anyone will feel better when they read about how Daniel Webster gives a rousing speech in the Dartmouth College vs. The Evil Moose Army court case. After all, his oratorical skills are so inspiring that the heavens open up and Eleazar Wheelock descends to reveal the true meaning of “Vox Clamantis in Deserto.”

Doesn’t that sound better than worrying about a housing shortage? I’d say so, if only because I spent hundreds of hours researching whether moose have the intellectual capacity to stage a coup.

So while I welcome any questions or advice about undergraduate housing, I’d also like to encourage comments on the in-depth Daniel Webster fan fiction that has consumed most of my time and thought for the past decade. If you want to read a copy, I have one right here. Let me know if you like it.

– LT ’19