The Hanover Police Department released on Thursday the arrest count for this year’s Green Key Weekend at Dartmouth. Green Key, officially the College’s spring music festival, has gained a colloquial reputation for outrageous parties, excessive drinking, and, of course, legal infractions. This precarious feature of the weekend, however, appears to be on the decline – at least according to HPo’s most recent press release. The statement reads, “From May 18th through May 20th, 2018, Hanover Police officers made a total of 11 Green Key-related arrests, a number which the department believes is actually pretty lame.”
The police department’s statement continues by condemning Block Party and the Programming Board Concert as “orderly and safe in general.”
“Great strides have been made toward the goal of reducing undergraduate criminality,” the press release anguishes. “As a result, the student body has gone soft as fuck.”
When pressed for comment, Chief of Police Scott Boyd offered a follow-up statement: “We at the Hanover Police Department were prepared to deal with hordes of underaged inebriates wreaking havoc across the campus and endangering the well-being of themselves and others. However, it appears that we greatly overestimated the send potential of the student body. These signs have led us to the sad conclusion that the College just doesn’t rage anymore.” Chief Boyd then held a short press conference, sipping coffee from a mug inscribed with ‘I ❤ Hard’ as he fielded questions.
In related news, emergency dispatchers in the Hanover area have begun responding to 911 calls with the phrase, “Hanover Police, line is four,” regardless of whether line is actually four, or whether there is any line at all.
– GA ’21
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