House community events will now be planned by a committee of 1950s businessmen who are attempting to buy the affection of their estranged families, the Residential Life office announced on Friday.
The committee members, who all work as white-collar executives in the city and come home too late to tuck their children into bed, intend to implement an event-planning strategy of spending large sums of money to fix a problem but never really forming an emotional connection.
“We believe that if the house communities spend enough money on the students, they can win them over,” Todd Mason, a banker, said. “It’s the same approach that I used with my wife. When she found out that I was sleeping with my secretary, I bought her a powder blue Cadillac and that seemed to fix things right up.”
Committee member and banker Burt Donaldson said that most house community events will continue to follow a similar format of providing large amounts of free food and various objects that students might enjoy. So far, the committee’s event ideas include buying ponies for everyone, promising to attend a birthday party and then missing it, and punching through a wall.
“I’m especially excited for the event where I do cocaine and crash a house community resident’s car,” committee member and banker Warren Dent said. “I’ll buy them a new one, of course.”
Dent said that any committee members who attend house community events will make a half-hearted attempt to meet students before taking three sleeping pills, downing a glass of scotch, and passing out on the couch.
– LT ’19
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