Hello onlooker passerby that are crossing through the center of the Green, it is I, the Lone Pine stump that is totally not the former Christmas tree. Oh, don’t be silly, you know who I am! I am the symbol of this college, the physical manifestation of our new logo, which, thank you for asking, is exactly what I looked like back in the day. You know, the days before I was cut down. Oh you do remember? Wonderful! So there is no need to kill me then!
What’s that? You remember me being short, fat and ugly? Well aren’t you a rude humanoid. Well, if it is any concern to you, I lost the weight! That’s right, I went on a diet and hired the proper fitness coaches that I needed to reach my dream body! Of course I also needed to grow about a foot as well, otherwise I would just be a mere twig, and I wanted to maintain at least some of my stumpy good looks. Aren’t you proud of me for achieving my dreams? No? Still want to kill me?
Listen, I know that trees moving location unassisted is a tad bit unheard of, but Trump has been president for two years and honestly I think that is much crazier than this. You want to remove both of us still? Geez, what will it take to convince you that I ran down and put myself here? How else do you think I lost all the weight? WAIT NO DON’T CHECK THE HILL BY THE OBSERVATORY! I mean you could, but like, why not take my word for it and save yourself some time. Also it’s really slippery with the snow up there and I don’t want you to hurt yourself. Hell, I almost broke my hip on my way down.
OK FINE, I’M NOT THE ACTUAL LONE PINE. I just don’t want to die. I used to be a beautiful pine tree minding my own business, and then you savages uprooted and put me in the center of this goddamn campus, all to hang angels and lights on me when no one was even around to see it. You’ve already cut off my limbs and cut me down to the size of a child tree, so the least you Christmas obsessed monsters can do is let me live. I promise I won’t cause any trouble – you made sure of that when you stripped me of all my branches. Still unmoved? Fine then, cut me down, see what happens. Kill me. Didn’t expect this dialogue to take such a sickening turn? Well guess what, bucko, you barked up the wrong tree. So just keep walking, and no one needs to get hurt.
– JG ’21
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