Review of Dartmouth Events: By Ezekiel Ephraim Barebone
Editor’s Note: In the interest of acknowledging our College’s Puritan past, this review comes from one of our most senior contributors, Ezekiel “Zeke” Ephraim Barebone.
It is only right that we pause partway through this winter Seasone, to reflect on the various Events that have transpired heretofore.
Opening of the Hood Museum of Art
The Opening of this Collection of Art was accompanyed by much Fanfare & Merry-making. Alas, I have found very little of the Artworke to be of any Merit. Some of the Exhibits consist of little more than fanciful & ornate Colours, arrayed in strange Patterns, placed alongside abominable Engravings from heathen Lands– hardly befitting the Tastes of a Godly & pious Community! One Piece, to which I took great Exception, appeared as nothing more than a Couche, adorned with Protrusions of an offensively Phallic shape.
Yet, I did find one Exhibition of considerable Virtue, containing the Portraits of many exemplary Citizens of the New England Colonies– as of Joseph Blackburn, Joseph Steward, the Reverend Eleazar Wheelock, etc.– whose tireless dedication to the Lord’s work has transformed a blasted Wildernesse into our present noble Republick.
ZekeScore: 2 out of 9 Circles of Hell
“One” at ‘53 Commons
Never in my Lyfe have I witnessed such an Altar to the Sin of Gluttonye, arrayed with all manner of Fishe & Game & Fruits of the Earth. I chose for myself a plate of Rice & Meats, adorned with various Sauces of reddish Colour.
Whatever diabolical Venom these Sauces contained should be banished forthwith from all the Countrye! My mouthe became a raging Furnace at the first Taste, and great plumes of Steame erupted from my Eares & Nostrills. Such was my Penance, perhaps, for partaking of this immodest Array of Provender. Never again shall I stray from the salt Pork & wholesome Breads that so successfully nourished our esteemed Forefathers.
ZekeScore: 3 out of 9 Circles of Hell
Winter Carnival – Polar Plunge
The last Tyme I had witnessed so many Townsfolk being immersed in the Waters of a frozen Ponde was in the Days of my Youthe, when a number of accused Witches in my Village were brought to a Trial-by-Dunking. As I recall, any accused Witche who floated in such Water was immediately sentenced to Death by Hangynge. And yet, this Winter, all those who entered the Waters of Occom Pond emerged unharmed, and far from being hanged, were insteade celebrated! There can be no doubt that the various Women who underwent this Dunking are regular Practitioners of Witchecraft; yet they were released from this Trial without any Concern for the Safety of the Towneshippe. Surely, we live in strange & unfamiliar Tymes.
ZekeScore: 5 out of 9 Circles of Hell
Lingerie at Tabard
At Firste, a younge Woman announced in a sterne Voice that no Imbibement of Liquor, nor of Ale, nor of Tobacko, nor of any other corrupting Substance would be tolerated that Evening. I had Hope, therefore, that the following Event myght be a sober & pious Service to fortify the spirits of the throngs of Youthe.
As for the Hell-begotten ritual of Lecherye & Fornication that transpired next, I had not once imagined that Sin & Godlessness of so fearsome a Magnitude could be performed in even the darkest Corners of Creation. Every second, I feared that the Lord in his Wrath might send a Thunder-bolt to rend the roof asunder above our heads. Worse yet, the enduring Image of what I witnessed is engraved so deeply in my Consciousnesse (no doubt by Satan’s own Hand) that a Fortnight of solemne Prayer hath failed to cast it out.
Even if my Eyes were to be gouged from their sockets with a red-hot iron Poker; & even if my defenseless Skull were to be struck with a heavy oak Truncheon, so as to confound my Recollection of the Past; & even if my remaining Memory were to be scorched away by a flask of the fieriest Rum in all New England, nay, not even then would the hideous Syghts of that Evening be erased from my shattered Minde.
ZekeScore: Eternal Damnation
Winter Carnival – Snow Sculpture
I am generally Suspicious of large Statuary, as it recalls in my Mynde the construction of the Golden Calf by the idolatrous Israelites at Mount Sinai. I was therefore Displeased to witnesse a large Force of Youthe carving the Likeness of a huge Ellefante into a piled Snowdrifte. Yet, I came to recognize that these Scholars were exerting themselves in honest & arduous Toil despyte the wintry Conditions, displaying such sturdy & healthful Constytutions as would impress even those first hardy Settlers that disembarked at Plymouthe.
ZekeScore: 1 out of 7 Heavenly Virtues