In an official statement released by the White House this past Monday, the Trump administration has designated the Iranian government as a “big fat stupid head.” In response to the designation, Iran replied, “I know what you are, but what am I?”
This back and forth comes after years of tension between the two countries. It all began years ago when Iran began developing its own personal stockpile of sticks and stones. This made every other country in the grade very upset, because they had all pinky promised that they would not proliferate their own set of sticks and stones. Just before Iran was able to get the last few stones it needed, they went on a potty break and Israel was able to sneak into their cubby and destroy their secret arsenal. Iran tried to defend itself saying that it had crossed its fingers behind their back at the last minute, and therefore the pinky promise was null and void, however America did not see that as a valid excuse. Instead they decided that they were going to steal Iran’s lunch money so that they would be too hungry to look for more sticks and stones. Things changed when Obama took office, as he took pity on a starving Iran. He promised to stop stealing Iran’s lunch money, so long as Iran swore on its mother’s life that it would only look for sticks, but not stones. When Trump took office, he believed that Iran would go against the deal after they finished the 8th grade and decided to start stealing Iran’s lunch money once more, but this time they were going to steal it harder.
Up until this past Monday, America had only been calling Iran a sponsor of big fat stupid heads. However, this all changed when Trump took the next step and fully designated the country as a big fat stupid head itself, making this the first time the US has dissed another government like that. Trump has explained that this designation comes after years of Iran bullying Syria, Lebanon and Yemen, making it very difficult for these countries to achieve nap time in the middle east. Apparently, they were even secretly cyber bullying America, spreading rumors about them to Iraq. When pressed with this allegation, Iran responded with “nuh uh, they started it first.”
This designation has serious implications. Trump wanted to emphasize that Iran doesn’t play by the same rules as everyone else in the playground, and in an attempt to make sure they stopped breaking the rules, warned other countries that no one else should play with them. According to the designation, any country caught playing with Iran or giving them their snack during recess will develop a very serious case of super cooties. Of course, America is poised to steal the lunch money of any and all countries that catch this severe cootie condition. After enduring a full day of this name calling, Iran issued a very serious threat, warning the US that they were going to kill all 5000 US ants in the ant farm Iraq was holding on to, and another 2000 ants in the one Syria was holding. The Trump administration quipped back with “nah nah nah, your words can’t hurt me.”
At press time, all eyes are on the clock as students await the end of the day, wondering if there will be an after-school tussle in the front yard.
– JG ’20
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