Report: Professor Uses Increasingly Threatening Examples In Class

Eyewitnesses report that during 12s last Wednesday, Math 13 professor Michael Stornetti introduced increasingly threatening examples of when he would quiz his Math 13 students. “Now, Jeremy, if I stopped you on the street and asked you to evaluate this integral,” he said, “with Stokes’ theorem, you could do it.” Jeremy Roth, a ‘21, nodded, and continued taking notes as the lecture went on.

“So, hypothetically, Jeremy, if I came to your apartment, woke you up in the middle the night, cut off all your power but brought a flashlight, then gave you a notebook with this integral and refused to say any words that weren’t guttural screams, you would be able to evaluate this surface integral.”

According to his classmates, Roth looked to see if his other classmates were unnerved, then continued taking notes. “It’s definitely a little weird,” said Roth to one of his classmates, “But I think all professors have their quirks?” I’m gonna just try not to worry about it.”

“So, this is the most complicated one yet,” continued Stornetti. “But after working these for a few days and finishing the problem set, even if I went to your mother’s office, Jeremy, at third and forty-fourth in New York, posed as a client so I could kidnap her and bring her to a secondary location in which she would also find your little brother, Chris, who I had taken from his English class at Roslyn High School and locked them both in a small dark closet, then proceeded to bring you, against your will and wearing a hockey mask, Jeremy, to my basement, where there is a blackboard with this ellipsoid and barked at you to begin and find your own parameterization, I think you could do it.” He leaned back and gestured with the chalk. “But it would be nearly impossible without Stokes’ Theorem.”

At press time, Roth was hunched over a textbook, notebooks, and Khan Academy videos in Novack Cafe. He said, “I’ve never been so stressed for a midterm in my life.”

-SL ’22