Reports emerged on Saturday that local resident Robert Dunny’s attitude towards women has undergone a dramatic transformation. An inspiration to progressives everywhere, Dunny, who once referred to himself as “the hot daughter spotter,” has renounced his old misogynist ways. According to his friends and family, Dunny is now much more tasteful in how he presents his sexism.
Scott Shumaker, a coworker of Dunny’s and self-described Democrat, applauded his colleague’s transformation. “Oh, he’s changed for the better in a big way. He used to make all these jokes about women making him sandwiches and belonging in the kitchen and terrible stuff like that. Now he just forgets my girlfriend’s name every time he sees her and only makes eye contact with me.”
Dunny’s father, Albert Dunny, emphasized how proud he was of his son’s new attitude. “I remember when my boy played linebacker for East High. He always referred to the girls he brought home as his ‘conquests,’ which of course made his old lady throw a fit. You know how a woman can get. Anyway, he’s very respectful with girls now, as long as they’re not smarter, funnier, or make more money than him.”
Reporters were able to catch up with Dunny outside a local Outback Steakhouse, where he provided a brief statement. “Yeah, I’d actually say I’m more of a feminist than most women these days. I mean, I want equality for everyone. That’s what feminism is, and that’s what I have to explain to women all the time. I do enjoy telling women about feminism, but sometimes they just don’t get it.”
At press time, it was revealed that Dunny’s style of dress had changed with his new attitude. Where the former football star once wore tank tops and cargo shorts from Macy’s on the daily, his brand of choice is now Vineyard Vines.
–GA ’21
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