Recruits at Dartmouth-Yale Homecoming Game Impressed by Superior Dartmouth Coaching, Gameplay, Residential Housing System

High school football prospects at Saturday’s matchup between the two Ivy League football powerhouses report being swayed by Dartmouth’s massive win, more successful housing system.

Gordon Crowley, father of Hingham High starting cornerback Max Crowley made the following observation: “The game they played was a rout, plain and simple. But Max never seemed particularly invested in the game, diverting most of his attention to the colorfully clad student section.”

“I mean yeah Dartmouth looks like a good place to develop my football skills I guess,” Max added, “but it also seems like a great place to pick up a fleece East Wheelock half-zip and just make a fucking scene out of wearing it whenever I enter a room.”

Bryce Doxen, a defensive lineman for Janesville High chimed in: “If I were placed into Davenport or Stiles college at Yale, everyone would know what that means and the prestige that comes with it. Where’s the fun in that? I’m much more excited to wear a light blue “School” sweatshirt that will make all my relatives at Thanksgiving go “huh? I thought he chose Dartmouth?”

Ryan Curtis of Ashford Prep offered: “I think the storied history of the fourteen residential colleges at Yale is nice and all, but nothing is quite as fresh and sexy as vague combinations of cardinal directions that just scream ‘we’re begging someone to donate a small fortune and rename these’”

At press time, recruits leaving the stadium spontaneously joined the student body in an uproarious chorus of the time-honored chant “West house, best house.”

-JK ‘23

 

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