Dartmouth Student Having Same Amount of Sex as He Would on Campus, None

The COVID-19 pandemic and subsequent national stay-at-home orders have disrupted the social and romantic routines of millions of Americans. These unprecedented circumstances have hit particularly hard for Dartmouth student Jeremy Higgins ‘22, who laments the temporary pause on his sex life. Interestingly, while stuck at home and relegated to months of chastity, Higgins is having just as much sex as he would on campus: none.

“Yeah, this contagion shit is brutal. I’ve been celibate since quarantine, but I’m doing my part by staying home,” said Higgins. When asked why he was, by all standards, “dry” prior to the crisis he responded, “Hey, normally, I’m riding that train to Bonetown. And not those one-way tickets either, we’re getting multi-day passes if you know what I’m sayin’.”

Higgins’s roommate, Will Coffman ‘22, failed to corroborate the reported “stats” for 20W: “Nope. Untrue. I live at the ‘station’ and have seen no ‘trains.’”

Longingly looking at his matches on Last Chances, Higgins continued, “I just can’t believe what I’m missing out on. There are so many moves I could be making if I were on campus.” After further investigation, it was determined that all of Higgins’ matches were, in fact, platonic friends.

As our interview came to a close, Higgins opened Tinder, nervously telling reporters, “Of course I would never meet up with any of these women… because I’m social distancing… but I… definitely would normally.”

 

-BD ’22

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