Op-Ed: If Alive, FDR Would Beat this Virus, But He’d Also Have Sex with his Cousin

Many are saying it is high time for Mr. Trump to look back to Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s example to deal with COVID-19. That said, we must be cautious, for if FDR were alive today, he would certainly wield the power of government to save America, but he would also likely make love to his fifth cousin and wife Eleanor.

Some might say that the ends justify the means, that if Trump were able to summon even an ounce of FDR’s political genius to lift the economy out of ruin, it’d be worth it even if he banged his cousin, fifth or first. Those people make good points, that perhaps FDR’s legacy of Social Security and his victory over the Nazi menace outweigh marrying his cousin, who once described sex with him as “an ordeal to be endured.”

But would those same proponents of lackluster cousincest even mention that many scholars believe that FDR also sexed his sixth cousin Margaret Suckley? No. They’d simply point to the Alphabet Agencies and the restoration of the American farmland. They’d proudly support an infidelious cousin-fucker over President Trump.

In conclusion, be careful what you wish for. A Trump who learnt from FDR might just save America’s purse, but he could destroy its Moral Spirit. By banging his cousin, I mean.


-OK ’21

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