Dartmouth Student Unable To Explain What Consulting Is but Wants to Do It for the Next Three Years

Despite the disruption of changing academic plans and remote learning, many Dartmouth ‘22s are spending this summer participating in the Center for Professional Development’s recruitment process. The competition for elite consulting firms is more selective than ever, but new reporting finds that the students putting themselves through this soul-crushing ordeal do not know what these companies do and frankly couldn’t care less.

“Everyone knows what consulting is,” said Economics major Jake Kirby ‘22, who has spent the past two months running cases and networking, taking only occasional breaks to drink alone and repress his emotions. “You are hired by a company with a problem, and you give them expert advice.” When asked what sorts of problems consultants face, Kirby irately responded, “A problem that needs advice, and… problem-solving skills. I have people skills, and I can do data analytics – I’m basically a QSS minor. It’s all about having a framework. I have a framework. Five 19s in my frat work for the Big Three. Did you hear I got a BCG interview?”

Hillary Ang ‘21 has spent her summer interning remotely at a top consulting firm. “It’s Bain,” interjected Ang, “you can say Bain.” When asked about what she does at work, Ang nodded enthusiastically, “the culture at Bain really pushes creativity and analytic thinking even though we can’t be there in person.” When pressed about what she is doing for nine hours a day, Ang added, “we are constantly joining new projects that explore a variety of industries. It’s an incredibly stimulating professional environment. What do you not get? It’s Bain. We do Bain stuff. If I don’t get a return offer I’m going to snap my fucking laptop in half like a graham cracker. I will NOT go to law school. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that would be?”

Industry veteran and McKinsey & Company Project Manager Robert Bass, Dartmouth ‘96, graciously agreed to explain his work: “Consulting is a fluid and diverse field that challenges you to solve business problems for clients. Now who those clients are, or what those problems may be, or how we approach solving those problems, or how we relay our advice, or what qualifies us to do that, or what a problem even is, like definitionally? I don’t know, and I don’t care. Do you have any idea how much money I make?”

Bass continued to rattle off buzzwords for the next fifteen minutes as his interviewer physically broke down with frustration.

-IC ’22