Biden picks Kamala Harris for VP, Republican pundits suddenly extremely concerned about mass incarceration in California

Yesterday afternoon, presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Joe Biden announced Senator Kamala Harris as his pick for Vice President. Harris is a political talent with a groundbreaking career as a Black and South Asian daughter of immigrants, but she also has a reputation as an enforcer of tough-on-crime policies that target marginalized communities. Harris’s history as the Attorney General of California has long been a concern of progressives, but yesterday that critique crossed ideological lines. As soon as Biden made his announcement, the systematic unfairness of the criminal justice system became the number one issue of Republican pundits.

“Kamala Harris cannot be trusted. She is a cop sympathizer who put thousands of Black men in prison for non-violent offences,” said Cameron Nelson, owner of the twitter account @RealMenVoteRed2020 in a phone interview. When asked about his tweet two days ago –“The #socialistsnowflakearmy and ANTIFA are waging warfare against the police, and make no mistake, the troops will be next. #bluelivesmatter #backtheblue #supportthetroops #KAG” – Nelson muttered, “going through a tunnel” and hung up.

“Kamala is a cog in the neoliberal prison-industrial machine. She doesn’t stand for the change this country is looking for. I don’t trust Kamala,” said Peter DiMaggio, newly hired Associate Producer for Tucker Carlson, mispronouncing Senator Harris’s first name in a different way each time he said it. “She will probably see how drowsy Sleepy Joe is and try to get him tossed in jail for smoking the green stuff. That’s how Kamala did it in California.” When asked about how he had written an Op-Ed for Breitbart just last month titled “We Need More Thugs in Jail”, DiMaggio blinked a few times, then left the Zoom so he could nod along in the studio as Laura Ingraham called Biden-Harris the most radically anti-American ticket ever.

At press time, Joe Biden responded to backlash against Harris’s prosecutorial history, asking, “I don’t get it, Jack. I mean, this great lady, she’s… she’s…” Biden then mouthed the phrase “African-American” before continuing, “What’s most important to me is that America knows that I have a second Black friend. Did you write that down? Two of ‘em. This means I’m scott-free on this race business, right?””

-IC ‘22