New Invention Prevents Both COVID-19 Sexual Transmission And Humanizing Your Partner!

Are you looking for love or, more likely, a shallow hook-up? Coronavirus got you down? Afraid of looking into the eyes of your sexual partner and seeing that the depth of their humanity is equal to the depth of your own? We have the solution!

HEADBAG™ is the one stop-shop for lovers in the time of corona! And by lovers, we mean young adults so deeply disturbed by the idea that the person they’re hooking up with is a real person with real feelings and not a disposable sex doll, that they’d rather put a bag over their partner’s heads during sex than face them!

HEADBAG™ has been proven to prevent COVID-19 transmission through breathing, be it shallow or deep, as well as preventing that rare moment where two lovers become one and you feel, for a shining moment, truly seen, and you see in her eyes that She has commitment issues, and so many insecurities, and a derelict playground in the neighborhood where she’d go when her parents started screaming at each other like they did every Thanksgiving, and a song that only makes her cry when it comes on the radio, because it’s not the same if you choose it, and she sees that He is a Boy who cries when he thinks of his grandmother’s broken dreams, and who hates himself for raising his voice like his father, and who loves Korean cinema but hasn’t met someone who he can trust enough to tell that to, because his mother made fun of him and his priest condemned him and the river that runs through His town is dry, is dry, is wasted and barren and he can’t fix that, but maybe she can fix him and maybe togeth-.

Yikers, am I right! Screw human connection, and screw away, you goddamn animal, with HEADBAG™! We guarantee you’ll be safe from disease, and also, intimacy.

They can’t hurt you, if you can’t see them!

 

Sign up now for one HEADBAG free! Delivery not included. Emotional intimacy/Disease may still transmit if HEADBAG is ruptured around mouth or eye area. Noise cancelling headphones not included, but recommended if partner prone to post-coital “I love you”s. HEADBAG Plan B EZ-Dispenser Attachment neither included nor FDA Approved, but does reduce possibility of future emotional involvement and financial strain. For best results, use without knowing sex-object’s name. Side effects include stunted emotional growth, depression, alcoholism, and neither finding nor deserving love and intimacy.

 

-OK ’21

Be the first to comment on "New Invention Prevents Both COVID-19 Sexual Transmission And Humanizing Your Partner!"

Leave a comment