A Pressing Question

Listen, Emily, I know we’ve only been dating for a month or so, and we haven’t even kissed, but I was hoping I could ask you something. It’s a question I’ve been turning over in my head for a while, and I thought now would be the perfect time to ask. And you the perfect person to ask. So here goes. Do girls really pee out their butts?

I only ask you because I’ve never been sure. Scotty Bilfeld told me that they do in the first grade, and I have been presented with literally zero evidence to the contrary. I have no sisters, I have a mother who pees on her own, and the topic has never come up in health class. It’s like Ms. Raskin just assumes we know that basic fact coming into the class and glosses over it the whole semester. And I’m too embarrassed to ask.

It’s not that I don’t know other options exist. That’s what has been confusing me lately. So the vagina is there, right? And they didn’t want us to know about it as kids for whatever reason you don’t tell kids about vaginas. So what if the whole thing about girls peeing out out their butts was just so we wouldn’t start asking about vaginas? What if we all just assumed girls peed out their butts because we just knew that they couldn’t pee out their pee pees? Because we knew that much — we knew they didn’t have pee pees. I mean, if you don’t have a pee pee, where else are you gonna pee from? Were we expected to theorize about a whole other hole existing down there? Presented with the knowledge we had, Occam’s Razor was clearly in favor of the butt theory.

So if you do happen to pee out your vagina, where is it coming from? I get that you can put a penis in there, and that’s what presses the button that speed-dials the stork, but is there another hole in there for pee? Or is it the same exact hole? Because that would just be gross!

What do you mean you don’t speed-dial the stork?! Then how the fuck does he know when to bring you a baby? Huh, Emily?! Don’t mindfuck me like this! I’m embarrassed enough as it is!

Wait, where are you going? Emily! Don’t go! I thought we were finally going to put our whirly twirlies in the tot tot!