Quarantined Dartmouth Students Still Alcoholics, Just Sadder

Dartmouth College’s transition to remote learning has closed campus, but undergraduate students are continuing to drink excessively, now at home. Unfortunately, such alcoholism is no longer fun and instead seems profoundly depressing.

“Yeah, I miss school,” Patrick Gregson ‘22 of Texas told reporters, “but at least my parents are chill about me drinking and stuff.” Gregson enjoys 4 Miller Lights and 2 Angry Orchards from the old fridge in his partially finished basement most nights. “The boys and I have been meeting up on Houseparty, and sometimes girls join, so that’s fun.” At his frat Zoom meeting this Wednesday, brothers played virtual slap-cup in breakout groups. “It almost worked,” said Gregson, looking at the reflection of his pale, unshaven face in the black screen of his computer after his zoom call, spilled beer dripping from his coffee table onto his sweatpants.

Layla Bianchi ‘21 of Rhode Island, who was in New York this Winter and Spain this fall, admits, “It sucks to be away for so long, but honestly, I’m drinking as much as I was in Sophomore Summer. And in Barcelona. And in NYC.” Bianchi then went to her room and poured Tito’s into a “Phil it Up” Phil Hanlon shot glass as she listened to “Baianá” in preparation for a Psilent Disco themed Zoom party. Realizing that she left her sequin tube top in storage in Hanover, Bianchi began to apply glitter eyeshadow instead, her face blank and her eyes expressionless.

“Aaagh yeah, it’s aghhh ah…, I don’t… I don’t feel good,” said Joey Barninski ‘20 of Arizona, blacked out on the floor of his kitchen, hunched over a bucket. Barninski started to dry heave, then took another swig out of his dad’s YMCA mug, full of warm whiskey and tap water. His best friend Paul Gomez ‘20 of Florida, watching over Facetime, texted Barninski’s mother to explain how to pull his trig and backpack him before bed.

At press time, Barninski woke up to a splitting hangover and nineteen unread texts from Gomez, responding first, “lol it’s not alcoholism if you’re still in college,” and then, “oh fuck.”

-IC ’22