Freak Athlete Darth Killjack IV ’26 May Just Be A Freak

With the conclusion of the 2022 Dartmouth football season, the team can look back at some of its great moments and plays made by their star players. Particularly one player, Darth Killjack IV ‘26. Killjack was the most electrifying player in the country his senior year of high school, putting video game-like numbers. So far, Killjack has brought some of that talent to the woods. 

“He’s a real class act, that guy. He’s got that real scrappy will to win,” said assistant head coach Doug McDougal whilst looking over his shoulder for whatever reason. “He’s a real athlete, a real football player. Hey, would you tell him I said that?”

It became increasingly apparent that there was something particularly special about Killjack. Without even needing to be prompted, several players would jump into long-winded appraisals of Killjack for his mastery of the game and undeniable skills. 

“He’s a cold calculating machine,” said Rodney Smith, who elected to be interviewed from behind a trash can in the locker room. “No, I don’t think you understand, he can’t be contained, he’s unstoppable.”

What stands out about Killjack is his unheralded leadership abilities. He had made such an impression on the team from the onset that senior linebacker Skip Bennington ‘23 relinquished his captaincy position within the first week of training camp, before disappearing without a trace. Quickly and quietly, Killjack began to rise up through the ranks to take on more meaningful roles on the team, from leading the huddle, to even calling the plays. 

“Killjack wants everything to be perfect. He won’t settle for anything less,” said Kent Gordan ‘24 of Killjack. “He’s a robot.”

As it turns out, Killjack is an actual robot designed from a football AI used for crafting the perfect football player. It was an experiment gone wrong from one of the computer science majors on the team, or possibly gone right. His project, which was simply made to get more wins in Madden, became sentient, and slowly began consolidating into human form. 

It’s a wonder how they were ever able to get him eligible for collegiate play, but I have since been made aware that there are no actual NCAA stipulations barring androids from entering the league, nor the anabolic steroids he takes on a regular basis.

Killjack’s success hasn’t been free of controversy, however. He had been recently been suspended for the absolute murder of Brown University free safety Lorence Leonard, who he vaporized horrifically with his laser eyes. Killjack was ejected for unnecessary roughness, which brought his team back to the ten yard line for the subsequent kick-off. 

“I mean, he’s got to know better than that,” said Head Coach Stevens. “He’s right behind me isn’t he?”

— CU’ 23