James Comey Updates His LinkedIn
On May 12th, 2017, The Honorable James Comey, Former Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, was seen updating his LinkedIn page. After President Trump dramatically fired him on May 9th in a turn of…
Articles
“Now Is The Time To Come Together, Rise Up, And Fight Back,” Cry Student Groups Characterized By Exclusivity And Historic Privilege Within The Dartmouth Community
Hanover, N.H.—Over the past couple of weeks, two fraternities tired of being brutally, personally victimized by the heinous acts committed by their own members have taken it upon themselves to stand up and fight back….
Republicans Heroically Pass Plan to Avoid Catastrophic Overpopulation
On Thursday, Republicans in the House voted to pass the American Health Care Act that would, they say, prevent mankind from suffering the tragic fate of uncontrollable famine. For years, the Republican party has…
Despite Record Levels of Diversity and Achievement, Incoming Class of 2021 Contains Some Complete Assholes
HANOVER, NH — In an exciting moment for prospective and current students, faculty, administrators, and alumni alike, Dartmouth’s admissions department sent acceptance letters to 2,092 regular decision applicants for the Class of 2021 on Friday,…
English Professor Nabs Posh Office in Hop Broom Closet
Adjunct Professor Robert T. Wade of Dartmouth’s English department recently snagged a luxurious office in Janitorial Closet 102 of the Hopkins Center. Wade, whose former office was located in a now defunct telephone booth, was…
Keith, Just Added to Study GroupMe, Thinks He Has the Right to Add Two Friends
All was normal in the “Anthro 28 Homies” GroupMe until earlier today when the class study clique decided to add Keith to the chat. The choice to add Keith was unanimous, as everyone in the…
Dartmouth Voices: Uber comes to Upper Valley
Uber has begun to operate in the Upper Valley area, The Dartmouth reported last week. We asked students what they thought. “Great, this will make my commute from Russell Sage to Silsby much quicker.” Sarah Goodman…
Report: Your missing fracket doesn’t want you back
Each weekend night, Dartmouth students’ Facebook feeds are flooded with emotional requests for the return of a lost jacket. Students often discuss the phenomenon of the fracket, and whether this system is practical to unethical….
Five hobbies that will help you win back your ex-wife Christine
1) Cooking Christine always loved a man who could cook. She went absolutely wild for your pot roast the first time you made it, but soon she realized that it was your only recipe. Expand…
Freshman stops at nothing to dominate Add/Drop
As of Wednesday night, the Jack-O-Lantern has obtained exclusive information indicating that Todd Kemper ’20 has resorted to extreme tactics in order to get his best picks for course selection. “I woke up to a…
President Hanlon Announces Jacket Sanctuary
MCNUTT HALL—“No one deserves to be abandoned by their friends at a fraternity,” began College President Philip J. Hanlon’s speech last Thursday. “Not even a jacket.” President Hanlon called this press conference to address a…
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Excited about Valentine’s Day? Ready to seize the day and finally ask out that special someone? The Jack-O is here to help you out!