My New Year’s Resolution
by Matt Garczynski ’14 This is the year I will touch my toes. I know I have made this resolution before – seven years in a row, to be exact – but this is the…
Articles by Jacko
Joke Pirate
Impractical Animal Clothing
by Alex Procton ’15 Sweaters for centipedes Pants for octopuses Fingerless gloves for parakeets Pantsuits for iguanas Sweatbands for caribou Legwarmers for army ants Ski masks for rhinoceroses Cardigans for killer whales Hair bows for…
Neverheards
Things that you will NEVER hear around campus! by Matt Garczynski ’14 ’13 Psi U: “Fuck the gender binary, bro!” Philosophy Professor: “I encourage you all to pursue the exact career I have.” ’14 Girl:…
How to Argue…
… with an obnoxious male author: 1. Construct an extended metaphor explaining why you are correct. 2. Claim that your metaphor is more extended than his dick ever will be. …with an obnoxious author who…
Ham Sandwich Birthday Bus
The ham bus was fresh and its cargo was meat. Sesame seeds confettied the ground from the bun roof. Mayonnaise clouded the windows and a single leaf of lettuce floated into the soggy distance like…
Pirate Comic
Blind Date
At a fancy restaurant in Hanover (there are like two, pick one). A Girl and a Guy sit across from each other. The Girl peruses a menu carefully. The Guy holds one like a frisbee….
Cool Designs for Socks
By Alex Procton ’15 With pictures of smaller socks on them With pictures of cats named “Socks” on them With speeches by famous orators on them With speeches by cult leaders on them Toe socks…
Canadians Invade Hanover!
By Alex Procton ’15 INT. FRAT HOUSE, NIGHT We open on BRET, a ’13, who is behind the bar in his crowded frat house, and JACK, a ’15, who wants a drink. JACK is holding…
The Facts of Life
By Michael Lenke ’15 Fact: the Twilight movies have been linked to an increased risk of testicular cancer in both men and women. Fact: there are 4 spider legs in the average chocolate bar. There’s…
Uses of SIRI: iPhone Digital Assistant
For Reenacting 2001: A Space Odyssey – John: Okay Siri, I’m going to play the role of Dr. Heywood R. Floyd and I want you to play— Siri: I know, HAL 9000. Okay, John, sounds—…