How To Ooze Sex Appeal
People often ask me, “How do you look so effortless?” To be honest, I just don’t put in the slightest bit of effort! Just let the world see the Real You! Continue reading for my…
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15 Beginner Guitar Songs That More Effectively Get You Laid Than "Wonderwall"
Wonderful Tonight – Eric Clapton Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer What a Wonderful World – Louis Armstrong Little Wonders – Rob Thomas 8th World Wonder – Kimberly Locke Makes Me Wonder –…
Uncomfortable Crayon Colors
Gender-Ambivalent Mauve Domestic Abuse Rouge It’s-Probably-Syphilis Saffron Malignant Tumor Diagnosis Taupe Latino Immigrant Burnt Mahogany Colostomy Bag Chestnut Rejected-from-Yale Dartmouth Green Suicide Awareness Umber Bargain Bin Macaroni and Cheese Uncleared Browser History Periwinkle “You’re Actually…
Extree! Extree! New Issue Completed!
No One Wins In Actual Landslide! Dr. Seuss Still Dead! Kim Last Seen Jumping Train Westward With Briefcase Full Of Gold! These stories and more to come in our long-overdue issue of: The Dartmovth –…
My Advertising Campaign
Dear Six Flags Advertising Executives, You are likely already familiar with my work from prior portfolio submissions (I hope they weren’t lost in the mail) so I won’t waste time on pleasantries. Attached, you will…
Competitive Leisure
In this dog-eat-dog, rat-racing world, there’s no time for not giving a shit. Let your blood pressure drop below 150/100 and you’re dead. There are people better than you. And you can’t afford to not…
On His Deathbed, the CEO of Vlasic Demands to Be Pickled
Anthony, Peter, comes closer. We’ve had a good run my boys, haven’t we? But it seems my time has come to its end. I don’t begrudge the Lord for taking me—He’s provided quite enough bounty…
Exclamations For The 21st Century
Great Steve Job’s Ghost! iCaramba! HuRay! Oy BluVay! Shiver Me Twitters! Dislike! My BabysitterBot Has Broken The First Fundamental Law Of Robotics And Is Smothering My Child! Fuck 2.0!
Celebrities & Their Birth Names
Robert Redford – Reuben Rosenfeld Jay-Z – Jason Zimmerman Chevy Chase – Chaim Chaimowitz Jackie Chan – Yaakov Chansky Shirley Temple – Shprintzel Synagogue Whoopi Goldberg – Whoopi Goldbergsteinowitz Mel Gibson – Melvin Greenberg Jesus…
Happy Fourth of July!
Great Springsteen’s Ghost, it’s the Fourth of July! Independence Day! The day America finally shook off its tea-drinking, wizard-worshipping past and punched King George III so hard in the royal bollocks that King George VI…
John Hancock Overcompensates
“The size of your signature conveys the size of your Hancock conveys the size of your FREEDOM!” shouted John from the floor of the Second Continental Congress. The rest of the delegates rolled their eyes….
How to Fix America
If we’re going to cut back on anything this recession, make it the “-ion” so that we’re in a “recess.” Sounds more fun, boosts productivity, fixes the economy. Everyone could use a little socialism. But don’t let…