Look, Julia. I don’t know your life. Maybe everything is going great. But if you’re super stoked about the Jonas Brothers making music again, it kind of seems like you’re just yearning for the simpler…
Editor’s Note: In the interest of acknowledging our College’s Puritan past, this review comes from one of our most senior contributors, Ezekiel “Zeke” Ephraim Barebone. It is only right that we pause partway through this…
Would you please: free me from this cursed existence by giving me a small snail shell and the still-beating heart of a salamander? Quoted: My Father News: *I am trapped in a glass jar…
When I, Eleazar Wheelock, founded Dartmouth College 250 years ago, I did so with a Bible, a drum, five hundred gallons of New England rum, and the purpose to tame the natives and create and…
The Dartmouth branch of the national conservative student organization Young American Lads (& Ladies) for Freedom recently organized a campaign to drop thousands of leaflets over the campus from a small aircraft. The propaganda technique,…
In an effort to improve the sustainability of campus operations, the Department of Safety and Security has announced that it is replacing its fleet of Ford Explorer SUVs with a team of ponies. “This transition…
Dearest Daddy Britain, It’s been a while, so I figured it was time we got back in touch. We are so sowwy about the things we said to you back in the day – you…
This Saturday, the Dartmouth Democrats enthusiastically welcomed Senator Kirsten Gillibrand ’88, a slightly more palatable version of Hillary Clinton, in her campaign for the 2020 presidential election. “She was a fantastic speaker,” said Laila Royan…
I just want to say, man, that you’re my best bro. We’ve gotten so close, and here’s why that’s so: Just sitting ‘round talking, we never get bored. We’re open and honest, no detail ignored….
Good e’en Dartmoth Colleges. Mayhaps ‘ere this day, you have wonder who culpable for the stickers of wall-outlets in One-Floor Baker-Berry, Nelsy Rocky Centy, and much other building beside. Look farther none. It me, Beep-Borp…
It’s completely fine that you’re going to sniffle loudly in front of me during the midterm. I mean, sure. Whatever. It’s not like I was trying to focus anyway, or like this was a large…
This Novack salad atones for all my bad choices and will save my health. Maybe I have made some mistakes, but this Novack salad will fix all of that. Even though I haven’t eaten a…