Week four, and another truly exceptional ECCC race. Hosted by our dear friends, UVM has brought together the unifying power of too-few porta-Johns, a hairpin turn built tighter than Carlos and the ground, and a road race featuring Wells’ practice Everest attempt, into something magical. That’s right, it was the (peepless?) Mt. Philo road race weekend in the ECCC.
For the Big Green, the tale goes back, way back, all the way to last Friday. No, Wednesday. Proactive enough to get to selecting a hotel a full two days in advance (a bit premature, if you ask me), Wells quickly realized that Burlington hotels were a bit more expensive than the mousetraps we’d been sleeping in thus far. Texting your humble correspondent, we confirmed that yes, perhaps a single room for the twenty of us could go if provided a few pry bars and a can opener. At the last moment, a shining alternative was offered (more in a minute) and we [Wells] decided that we’d leave Saturday morning.
Saturday morning dawned altogether way too early: Raif, protesting this point, slept in a full hour (lucky dog…) and required the whole squad (give or take the whole squad) to wake him up, in order to wrest the truck keys (nonessential? maybe?) to get going. Regardless, the DCT still arrived at the venue with plenty of time: throw on kit, hit some emergency weight loss, pick your TTTTTTTTTTTTT buddies in the parking lot, warm up by jumping up and down (at least twice), and eat a bagel. You know, plenty of time.
Bonus jargon: “Emergency weight loss.” Team of Origin: UVM or Army [idk] Definition: Ride the phoenix. Contribute to the works of the masses. Deuces. See a man about a series of horses. Etc.
Fortunately for us, the ECCC was run with the same precision as the DCT, and so we didn’t need to line up for the TTTTTT until approximately 20 minutes after the flier had indicated. First off was Dario and Nathan; still representing the Men’s C’s, they absolutely smashed, blew their competition out of the water, and secured a top-ten finish. Men’s intro, of Joe and Thomas, went next and finished in a category all of their own.
Coming off those twin victories, Men’s B-1 went next: Raif, Carlitos, Billy the Kid, and Nol-Dog refused to take ‘No’ for an answer and cinched that sweet first place finish.
On their heels came Men’s A of Wells, Adam M.D., Thicccclyde (more C’s by the day), and Jake; together, they overthrew Wells’ autocracy, ushered in a democracy, and voted to all sit up; somehow, they still secured an impressive top-ten finish in their category. Women’s B, featuring the collab of the year, Ella x Abigail, ripped into second place, proving that Dartmouth really is only attended by heavy hitters. Finally, the Men’s B-2 team rolled out: London, Andrew, and Jilar in matching Darty Nordic sweaters; these succeeded in working as parachutes, making their upper bodies all look STACKED and their results a bit deflated (such as it were…)
Buoyed by the early success, we all hunkered down, got our minds into the right place, and prepped for the road race, which was gonna be a hell of a time: 300m of climbing per 17km lap, with the finish headed straight up a hill. Nathan and Dario were voted off the island first, for three laps. Abigail was sent next, for two, and Thomas and Joe walked the plank next for their own hot laps.
In a freak turn of events, the day went off without calamity. Nathan finished his first ever road race with the ECCC, pulling in 12th of 44 and pushing a higher average power than me, your humble correspondent. Dario rolled in 26th, no crashes, not even disqualified (RIP Williams). Abigail clinched 7th, crushing UVM, Joe got 2nd in the Intro, and even Thomas survived the day with that sweet sweet top ten finish.
Following on their heels, the Men’s A/B and Women’s A/B fields rolled out at 1:30, fielding some of the largest teams ever seen in my lifetime. Men’s B featured eight riders: Billy the Kid, Carlitos, Nol-dog, Daniel M.D., London, Raif, Andrew, and Jilar, all in a field of only 29 riders. That’s right, 28% of the field was wearing Big Green. Men’s A was similarly stacked: Seb, Wells, Adam M.D., and Jake also made up almost 20% of their 23 person field. Only poor Ella lacked the same overwhelming numbers, but of course they immediately proved it doesn’t freaking matter by getting second anyways.
Men’s A went off like a dumpster fire for Wells (our supreme leader and the source of all that is good), with Hudsen the UVM ex-B off the front and UVM lounging around like sleepy jackals. Incapable of harassing a 23 person field like he could when there were only eight of ’em, he rolled into a dismal third, ending his winning streak and demi-god status. Adam was still able to rip into 6th, despite having to help Wells pull all 100km, and Seb found his true calling as team photographer. Finally, Jake rode the snake (long, long snake) into the final lap, wrapping up the day of racing for all.
Men’s B, in contrast, went off like a couch fire: Daniel M.D., Raif, and Carlos all got into breaks starting from the very first lap, and so UVM was in the hot seat for pacing. The remaining five lucky lads from the ‘Mouth (herein further known as ‘the usual gang of idiots’) got to sit on the dang front and soft pedal, effectively doing the same Sleepy Jackal routine as UVM in the A’s. Oh, how the turn tables: Jilar (your humble correspondent) finally finished a race with the pack; Nolan was 11th; Raif was 10th; Billiam was 8th; Carlos was 4th; Daniel M.D. managed to ITT/TTTTTTT almost the whole thing and secured that sugar-sweet 3rd place. Podium dogs.
Women’s A/B similarly went off like a couch fire: Ella, as noted, proved that they didn’t give a schnoops about numerical advantage, refused to be dropped by the A rider, and managed to get third in the field and second in B’s. That’ll show admin, not letting them upgrade to A’s. Catch them next week, A rider extraordinaire.
Finally, with the racing all done, any remaining team fitness saved, closed, and logged off for the day, and twenty ravenous road riders (it’s alliteration!) champing at the bit, it was time to figure out the super secret sleeping (another alliteration!) arrangements. That’s friggen right, DCT alums cooking and housing twenty sweaty belligerent hooligans!!!!
I cannot stress this enough: home-cooked pasta, a warm cozy roof, and a free floor to pitch a camping pad are like heaven on earth. It’s like… like… like the feeling of Carlos and Raif buying you Foco; of Wells telling you that you did a good job; of Billy the Kid dropping everything to help you lift a garage door; of Seb not letting you lose your windvest; of UVM pulling for 80km; of weekends with your best friends and two wheels in the abysses of northern New England; all of it, wrapped up into one. In short, Heaven. On earth. Bless up y’all. It’s time for pasta dogs.
Absolutely recovered by the divine power of Alumni benediction (suck it, Occom ridge), the DCT rolled up to Sunday with +10XP, + 5HP, and a new ability (flight). Once again, UVM proved that the best way to meet new friends is in line to ride the phoenix, and so after we’d all taken a turn came the first race of the day for sweet prince Thomas in the Men’s Intro.
Refusing to take any excrement from anyone, Thomas set a blistering pace, dropped half the field, and towed everyone into the line. Haha jk, the DCT is way too smart to pull. Darm-touth difference. Coming in like a chess grandmaster, he played his opponents to the line, struck like a mantis, and secured his very own 3rd place finish. That’s upgrade points, BB boy. Proud of you.
Next up Men’s B, featuring again the usual gang of idiots: unlike Saturday, no up-the-road flying moves were made, and so the DCT had to take their share of pulls. Andrew put in a sneak attack off the front the first lap, creating confusion and ramping up the pace; holding on, he even did a lil sidewalk touring and still managed to finish with the group. Daniel kept trying to send it off the front, while Carlitos, too distracted by our dear UVM collaborators, was tricked into pedal striking. Raif led some nice pulls, even Jilar got into the fun (though he was soon dropped – RIP), and Billy the Kid got 4th.
Penultimate was Ella in the Women’s A/B: like a locomotive on a pathway to nowhere, they proved (again?!) that they darb well could. Instead of merely beating half the A’s and most B’s, Ella figured the strongest message could be sent via an outright win. So they did. Let’s goooooooooooo ECCC, y’all just got stomped by a B rider! To make things even better, their parents (oh glorious alumni, ye whom’st’ve giveth bread and hearth) were here to watch the overwhelming victory. As Sun Tzu once said, “Quickness is the essence of the war.” Bet.
Men’s A was the last to join the fun. To commemorate the fine occasion, Lil Seb took a quick shot of that Jagermeister while Wells applied chamois butter (or ghee, or whatever) to his entire thighs to avoid lactate something (science, I guess). Ultimately, a hella quick race: almost 43km per hour, they nonetheless nearly hit a few dogs, ignored the color yellow, and did fine. Wells got 2nd place, Adam M.D. proved that he actually owns 6th, and Seb, managing not to yak at any point, earned the titular honorific of ‘-othy’, ushering in the new era of Sebothy. Hail Sebothy!
And with that, it was all over. Like the responsible party for an oil spill in Alaska, the entire ECCC disappeared in half a second flat. For the DCT, lots of fond memories, the conclusion of your humble correspondent’s collegiate racing career, and the creepiest doll you ever saw were the truly lasting impacts. We all grew, as individuals and as a team, and ultimately, learned something: the watts were inside us the whole time.
Catch you next week, ECCC. Jilar out.
