4/22-23/2023. Written and approved by Guest Columnist John “Juan del Bosque” DeForest
Despite Gamma Delta Chi’s best efforts to peel our Cat 5 TT (ITT, TTT, and just regular TT) specialist Lucas LoTempio, the squad rolled up to the Catamount-ain that was a rural intersection J.O.B (Just Outside of Burlingtron) (VT) right on time for the UVM Catamount Cycling Classic Race Weekend Day 1.
(Jacob, Luke)
The first event of the day, described by LL’26 as “drippy asl”, the Category 5 Elite Men’s Pro Intro Team Time Trial, went off with the strong but color uncoordinated (@JD’25) squad of Genghe, newcomer big-watts-no-corners triathlete Noah, daring Dario, and unfortunately were sandbagged by the last-minute drop-in John. Unable to use his lats, he had to be pulled to the finish, but thanks to the others, the Cat-Fivers cooked UVM and hit a cool 2nd place in the Tee Tee Tee.
(Genghe, Noah, John, Dario)
Our Women’s C/D TTT, chaired by the rapid Abby, Amelie, and Lydia, dropped the TTT field by several minutes, but were disqualified for being too fast (embarrassing for UVM at their home course).
(Lydia, Amelie, Abby)
(hype).
As for the Men’s (Semi-Pro-ish) A TTT, Nolan “Noldog” Holmes was feelin spidery in the pre-race strides:
But luckily Bond quickly brought him back to dawg-mode with his evanescent charm:
(Bond, Nolan, Divik, Seb(behind))
And the lads were on their watted-way (Seb-bastian, Divik, Bond, and Nolan) to a close 2ndairy finish, securing one more than 71 points for the college on the hill.
Our Men’s Beta Classification Squadron hit the ground rolling with Andrew, Jacobian, Nathan, and Raif “Raif-dogs” Olson at the helm, beating—torching even, the University of Vermont and the rest of the B/C field with ease.
(Andrew, Jakob, Nathan, Raif)
In similar catamount-catabolic fashion, the Women’s A/B TTT Team of Katie, Ella, and Katie (Walther and Fearon, respectively (or the other way around, depending on who was drafting who at the moment)) blew the field apart for what Jacob Spitzer deemed an “ez dub”.
(Katie Walther, Katie Fearon, Ella)
In the interim between racing and more racing, several members went to the local McDonalds (pictured below) to try the local cuisine. Pictured is Mr. Spizt, who was unlucky enough to have his picture taken (thanks Raif).
ROAD RACE:
Men’s C/D went off for a nice few laps, with Andrew chilling up front, John chirping the poor souls mid/mid-back/okay kinda far back of the pack who happened to be stuck next to him, Dario avoiding association with John, and Noah testing his watts on the front (much to the displeasure of John, Genghe et al.). Andrew made the break, John died in the X-winds tryna catch em, and rolled ‘er in with Noah, Dario and the boys.
Andrew, Dario (behind)
(Noah)
John and Dario workin the ups (the “draft” is an NBA event, apparently) (kudos to Raif for sniping the pic from a mile away).
As for the Women’s C/D Race on the Road, Katie Walther went numero uno and Katie Fearon went numero deux, and Amelie and Abby cooked it to the finish in 5, 6, with Lydia taking names not far behind.
(Katie Walther, Katie Fearon)
(Amelie, Abby)
Meanwhile a certain triathlete decided that the hour and a half of hill racing wasn’t enough, bricking himself into oblivion in classic tri-hard fashion. Here he is getting a well deserved “time-out”:
.(John, Noah, helpful UVM course marshal)
Menz Bee/Cee was a ripper. If you ignore the mathematical liberties, half the field DNF’d. Nolan, with the dawg in him, made a 3-hombre break and snagged !second! to Cat-up to the AAAAAs, with Jackob impressing his (numerous) fans with a 5th, Raif winning the field sprint just behind him for 8th, beating a number of cycling-inferior institutions.
Men’s B/C Poe-d-uhmm:
(Raif – Sorry Spiztz, you’ve had enough camera time already).
Women’s A/B RR had the usual suspects, including our own Ella Goetze, who snagged 3rd on a brutal hilly windy whooper of a course (LESGOOOO).
The Men’s counterpart A field race saw similar success, doing more miles in just over 2 and a half hours than a certain “del Bosque” does in a month. Bond overcooked some sketchy corners (nothing new here for the overseasoned MTB-er) and then overcooked nearly the entire field for a smokin second. If I could paste in the video of said cornering I think we would lose our insurance. A blurry picture of him heading into the corner at no less than 30mph should suffice:
(Bond, Divik)
Divik also smoked em’, with a chill 4th, and Seb throwin down watts you could only dream of on a bike he assembled minutes before the competizione du cyclisme. Unforch I only got videos, but maybe the DCT IT person can figure out how to embed them.
Post-race we post-hasted to the Goetze abode near Burlington for some amazing homemade pasta, bread, and most importantly, a shower for Bond. We are incredibly grateful for their hospitality and humor (and for humoring us, we are a funny bunch)!
We crashed at Cochran’s for the night, but not before Bond tried his hand at some heavy (excavator) machinery and LL’26 and CK’26 and JS’26 ditched us for “better friends” at UVM (or actual beds) for the night*.
We are thankful to our great cycling pals at the University of Vermont who offered their residences to the deserters. I hear CK’26 will be dropping a vlog of his adventures at 3:33 PM on a certain day.
We awoke to fresh pancakes, also courtesy of the Goetze fam (thanks thanks thanks again and a half!!!) who wished us on our rainy wet cold way to the base of the arch-nemesis mount-a-cats.
*LL and CK did not end up with nicer beds, opting instead for some classy common-room chairs in an unknown UVM building.
(Bond)
CRITS CRITS HOLY CRIT.
Men’s C/D got to test the technical twisty wet slop that was supposed to be a criterium. Tough looks. For some reason they have my time on the results sheet as “P&P” instead of the 1st place I definitely got, but oh well. Was (kinda) fun while it lasted. The Cat 5 boys only lost to 1 (one) high schooler and finished solidly in the top 59%.
(John, Dario)
Women’s C/D more than made up for the reverse-podium near-miss opener by the men, going 1-2 to cap the (actual) podium!! Congrats Katie Fearon and Amelie!
(Katie Fearon, Amelie)
Men’s B/C crit booled from the get-go, with Raif throwing down a solo flyer lap off the front that dropped half the field off the map (and pulled em out of competition). Circling back a bit later, he and Jakob worked together and set Raif up for a sick sprint vicroy** ! Jake came through in 4th.
(Jacob, Raif)
(RAIF W!)
** a “vicroy” is a term from a popular culture game that, literally translated, means victory royale, or a royal-ee good victory, which describes what Raif pulled off pretty aptly, I think.
Mean of the while, Bond (A) and Divik (also Mens A) were carbo-loading with their favorite aerated mixed foam pre-race pick-me-up:
(Divik, Bond)
As for the actual race, it lowkey*** seemed to work: Bond earned his pancake and after a scorching 60 minutes of mostly left-turns, outsprinted the front pack in a charging barrage of watts and volts and amps to take the double-u. Again, if the IT department wants to help me out here, we have a nice moving picture that will illustrate well Mr. Almand’s victory.
^ The A lads (Nolan, Seb, Bond, Divik not pictured), minus Divik (front row, already winning the race), plus our favorite Frat Pank (Universidade Monte Verde)
*** lowkey is another phrase oft employed by the younger folk, to represent or imply that one might think the result to be surprising, given the context. It carries a connotation of uncertainty, as one would use the term “highkey” to indicate strong confidence in an effect.
(Bond winning)
Seb and Divik similarly manhandled the chase pack, going 1-3 in the field sprint and 5th, 7th overall.
Despite a roaring start to the race, Nolan’s tyre sadly went flatulent midway through and he was forced to retyre.
Ella Goetze topped yesterday’s RR result with a 2nd place finish in the Women’s A/B Critterooza, in a blazing finishing sprint! I call one final time to the IT support desk.
Overall, ehhh, a huge success, eh? The uhh team did eh very well and uhh executed perfectly and I am ehh very grateful and very happy and I hope we continue the success. We ehh look to repeat our performances this next weekend at our home course at le L’Enfer du Nord (ECCC Champs). Many thanks to our donors, supporters, and to all the rest who tolerate us – you all make this possible!
Au revoir a le Han of the Over (NH),
Juan del Bosque