31 Things You Do Not or Should Not Know About the Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern

by Dan Smolinsky ’11

  1. The Jack-O-Lantern is named for its founder, John Seamus O’Lantern.
  2. Membership on the Jacko staff is blood in, blood out. You must kill someone in cold blood to gain acceptance and the only way out is death. You heard me, Buck Henry!
  3. If the Editor-in-Chief asks a staff member to kill a man and that man is not dead by sunup, then that staff member is.
  4. The above especially applies to women and children.
  5. The reason the Jacko staff used to be predominantly male: Most female writers were sacrificed to Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with One Thousand Young.
  6. The reason we need more female members: the Jacko initiation ceremony culminates in Heiros Gamos.
  7. The reason there are so few ’09’s and ’10’s in the Jacko? You guessed it! Shub-Niggurath.
  8. The Jack-O-Lantern has not always been a humor magazine. At various points in its history it was: a society of hunter-gatherers; a conspiracy of senators opposed to dictatorial leadership; a group of twelve brave knights; the discoverer of calculus; the actual culprit of the Jack the Ripper murders; a brothel catering to wealthy socialites; a crack team of nuclear physicists; President Kennedy’s cabinet; and a communist paramilitary organization.
  9. But we’ve put those days behind us, we promise.
  10. Except the Jack the Ripper thing. Saucy Jack takes his revenge!
  11. And the brothel thing. Synergy, motherfuckers.
  12. The Jacko was inadvertently responsible for both the incorporation and eventual destruction of the town of West Bumfuck, New Jersey. West Bumfuck University was subsequently relocated to Princeton, New Jersey.
  13. The Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern is the world’s oldest humor magazine titled the Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern.
  14. Most critics agree that the Jacko is also the best magazine in this category.
  15. Those who disagree are currently in the basement of Robinson Hall.
  16. Please do not feed them.
  17. The Jacko is a great source of fiber.
  18. Also of ink.
  19. President Roosevelt originally intended to say “We have nothing to fear but the Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern.”
  20. The Jacko isn’t really bad. It’s just the result of a troubled society.
  21. Most people don’t realize that Robert Frost’s “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening” was a humor piece that the Jacko made the mistake of rejecting.
  22. And Daniel Webster’s defense of James McCulloch in McCulloch V. Maryland (1819).
  23. On off-weeks, Jacko members may utilize a room full of one thousand monkeys with one thousand typewriters to produce a weekly article.
  24. Unfortunately, many of the results are English Renaissance dramas about love and death and thus must be thrown out.
  25. Also, the room must be rented out from The Dartmouth.
  26. Timothy Leary rolled his last, dying joint in a page from the fall ’96 print issue.
  27. The Jacko receives COSO funding to produce print issues. This usually comes in the form of thirty pieces of silver.
  28. At this point, Fred Meyer is the only Jacko member who is actually a real person. The rest are his stuffed animals to which he has ascribed different personalities.
  29. But you saw Mike Trapp on “Drinkin’ Time”, you say. Did you really? Or did you just want to see him?
  30. Keggy’s tears cure cancer. Too bad Keggy only cries while killing Chuck Norris.