Tuck Mall To Open Five New Stores
The college announced Tuesday that Tuck Mall will open five new stores by the end of 2023. The street, which has been notoriously bare of retail, has been bought out by Simon Malls and will…
Articles
Hey You! No, Not You. That Guy Over There
Hey, YOU! I want YOU for the U. S. Army. No, not you. That guy over there. No, man, I’m sorry, I wasn’t pointing to you the first time. I was pointing to that guy. …
DSG Announces New Campus Bowling Alley: Open Whenever You Can’t Go
Dear students, After an intense back and forth with administration that resulted in three casualties, one child up for adoption, two divorces, and a transfer to Princeton University, Dartmouth Student Government has finally reached a…
#Girlboss: Woman Extremely Productive While Openly Crying On FFB
With finals season upon us, students on FFB have reported the presence of a blotchy-faced woman whose ability to multitask has been an incredible inspiration. “I don’t know how she does it,” says Sophia Amoruso…
This Year’s Hit Rom-Com(munist) Movie: When Hammer Met Sickle
Even if you thought you’d seen it all, you ain’t seen nothing Sovi-yet. This October’s surprise smash hit is taking America by storm, and critics are raving. No matter where you come from, everyone will…
Announcement: Jacko Throws In The Towel As The Review Becomes Campus’ Worst Comedy Publication
Dear reader, It is with the utmost regret that we announce that we are retiring from writing satire. For over a century, we at The Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern have done our utmost to keep with the…
This Comedian Went TOO FAR (And Now I Can’t Find Him)
Everyone knows that when you book a ticket to a Guy McPerry show, you have to be ready to get PROVOKED! He crosses the line and he doesn’t give a DAMN what you think about…
National Debate Arises After Chinese Government Giant Balloon Animal Flies Over U.S.
On February 26th, reports began to flood in of a new foreign object in US airspace. President Biden had recently finished dealing with the Chinese spy balloon, which had already caused a minor scare among…
Biden Announces Plan To Combat Inflation
(Washington) In the midst of the rising inflation crisis, President Joe Biden has announced a comprehensive, one-step plan to reverse things entirely: making everything cost the same amount. When asked to elaborate at a press…
DDS Announces: New Reduced Cost “Burger” Special
After recent complaints about price changes, Dartmouth Dining Services has decided to appropriately adjust the prices of our late night dining options to better meet the needs of the Dartmouth community. We are proud to announce…
Dartmouth Coach Driver Hits 891 Students in One Day, Solves Financial Aid Crisis
Local Dartmouth Coach driver Bill Wright put the ol’ “get hit by college vehicle, get free tuition” myth to the test on Tuesday when he struck just under 900 undergraduate students with his bus across…
How is a Delicate Lady Like Myself Meant to Confront Him About His Appearance?
It’s a fragile matter. Ladies are to be seen but not heard, at least that’s what Papa always told me. But I always felt like he listened to my silly ladylike quibbles and quandaries. Met…