Dear Diary, Okay, so I felt so, like, operant conditioned this morning! Just because my alarm clock went off, I’m like, expected to wake up?! That type of thinking is, like, so heuristic, it’s for…
We’ve known each other since our freshman year, we’ve run in the same circles, and we like similar things. We always run into each other, I see you everywhere. It’s actually pretty bizarre that we’ve…
Dartmouth’s campus has recently seen an uptick in cases of fatigue, particularly on the part of girls who happen to know one Boyd Dieter ‘23 of Beta. To Dieter’s concern, a number of his classmates…
The college announced Tuesday that Tuck Mall will open five new stores by the end of 2023. The street, which has been notoriously bare of retail, has been bought out by Simon Malls and will…
Hey, YOU! I want YOU for the U. S. Army. No, not you. That guy over there. No, man, I’m sorry, I wasn’t pointing to you the first time. I was pointing to that guy. …
Dear students, After an intense back and forth with administration that resulted in three casualties, one child up for adoption, two divorces, and a transfer to Princeton University, Dartmouth Student Government has finally reached a…
With finals season upon us, students on FFB have reported the presence of a blotchy-faced woman whose ability to multitask has been an incredible inspiration. “I don’t know how she does it,” says Sophia Amoruso…
Even if you thought you’d seen it all, you ain’t seen nothing Sovi-yet. This October’s surprise smash hit is taking America by storm, and critics are raving. No matter where you come from, everyone will…
Dear reader, It is with the utmost regret that we announce that we are retiring from writing satire. For over a century, we at The Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern have done our utmost to keep with the…
Everyone knows that when you book a ticket to a Guy McPerry show, you have to be ready to get PROVOKED! He crosses the line and he doesn’t give a DAMN what you think about…
On February 26th, reports began to flood in of a new foreign object in US airspace. President Biden had recently finished dealing with the Chinese spy balloon, which had already caused a minor scare among…
(Washington) In the midst of the rising inflation crisis, President Joe Biden has announced a comprehensive, one-step plan to reverse things entirely: making everything cost the same amount. When asked to elaborate at a press…