Man Exhausted After Long But Gratifying Day of Walking Around The Gym Gazing at the Machines
-LP ’18
Articles by Jacko
Ebola is an International Crisis and I’m Okay With That
The current Ebola epidemic has this nation scared. Television pundits cry out for someone to do something to stop this crisis. We can no longer ignore this issue and we cannot deny that the spread…
6 Foods You Won't Believe Are Vegan
-LB ’15
End of Frat Ban Allows ‘18s to be Denied Alcohol in More Locations
Last Monday, the end of the fraternity ban drastically expanded the social scene for the Class of 2018 by offering freshmen the freedom to be denied alcohol in more locations than ever before. “For the…
Biology
Jenny, I am just going to come out and say it. I love you. I really do. I can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t know what it is, but we just fit perfectly. We…
Unanswered Questions
Hello Father. It’s me again. I know that you’ve told me that whenever I am filled with doubt, I need only turn to the Bible and there I will find my answers, instead of…
Dartmouth Family Not Pleased to Learn Their Tuition Payments Exclusively Financing FoCo Sidewalk
Losing all hope of seeing their hard-earned tuition payments go into training faculty members, reducing class sizes, or updating academic resources, the parents of Dartmouth senior Michelle Wang ’15 were disappointed to learn this week…
Jones Media Center Unveils New Porn Wing
The Jones Media Center has just unveiled its newest project: Jones Bones, an entire wing of the library devoted to adult videos. “We strive to be relevant to Dartmouth students,” explains Jon Remy, librarian at…
Rural Dictionary
1. Second base: composting 2. Group Jerk: dislodging a tractor from a ditch 3. Ass-fisting: disciplining a work mule 4. Double Penetration: planting two seeds in one plot 5. Blow job:…
Residents of Triple Still Trying to Decide Which Roommate to Ostracize
As of this Monday, freshman triple residents Ali Stearns ’18, Taylor Murphy ’18, and Megan Rogers ’18 are still debating which of the three roommates should be awkwardly and conspicuously ostracized for the rest of…
In Defense of Swiper
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, You are all familiar with Swiper as the ubiquitous villain of the Dora the Explorer television series; the adorable fox from the wrong side of the barrio whom we…
What Phil Hanlon Meant to Say in the Homecoming Email
Dear Members of the Dartmouth Community, This weekend, our community will join together in the celebration of Homecoming. The Friday night bonfire marks the midpoint of a truly overwhelming week, featuring activities such as: -Drinking…