My Dad Is Such An Asshole
My Dad is such an asshole. He’s always yelling at me to be more responsible and stuff. What’s his problem?! Like just the other day he said that I don’t “contribute anything to the tribe”…
Articles by Jacko
You May Be Asking Yourself
You may be asking yourself “is this banana actually talking to me or am I hallucinating?” My answer: who is to say? Do we actually dream at night or do we awaken to our real…
Signs Your Relationship With Your Parents Has Improved Since you Left For College
Your mom eagerly Skypes with you twice a week!! Your parents send you care packages on every holiday!! Your mom doesn’t snarkily correct you when you use poor grammar in your text messages!! Your mom…
Decoding Dartmouth Lingo
Baker – Someone who smokes a lot of weed. Synonym: pothead Dirt Cowboy – A dangerous sex position involving a ten-gallon hat and chai tea powder mix. Farmer’s Market – An economic phenomenon, specific to…
6 Easy Life Hacks For The Everyday
1. Be really smart. Intelligence can go a long way. It can get you into a good school. It can get you a good job. It can even make you understand things better. Definitely helps…
14F Essential Bucket List
The Ice Bucket: Never throw a lame pre-game again! Invite guests over to your pad to cool off with a chilly iced beverage, served with fresh ice cubes from your classy ice bucket. The…
Hogwarts Hillel
An Open Letter to Dumbledore and the Hogwarts Community: Dear Dumbledore, Hogwarts needs a Hillel House. A Hillel House would provide space for Jewish witches and wizards to engage with, study, and advance their relationship…
Fake Professor Wonders How Much Longer He Can Keep Up The Charade
John Réalguy, Professor of Philosophy, has been teaching at Dartmouth for over 5 years now. While addressing a class last Monday, Réalguy could be heard saying, “You all know I’m not a real professor right?…
The Six Aliens You Meet in College
The Sorority Alien This alien, normally a parasitic , Omega Centaurian shapeshifter just loves her sisterhood. She’s always either talking about the next mixer she’ll attend or which Sigma Nu’s DNA she wants to replicate….
New Art Installation So Much More Than Just A Pile of Dead Fetuses
The Hood Museum’s newest art installation, on the surface a run-of-the-mill pile of dead fetuses, has sent the art world into a frenzy surmising its full emotional and intellectual weight. Since its unveiling Tuesday, the…
What's Under My Bed
One sock. A monster!! DA…I mean…MOM!! Nope, sorry, that was a sweater. I forgot about this one, I used to wear it when it was cold on the boat. My nunchucks. How else can I…
❧ Read the New Issue
Check out our latest issue Pumpkin Face Fun Magazine * Available now on Novack newsstands * — Featuring I Can’t Believe You Ate The Whole Jar of Pickles by Drew Zwetchkenbaum Survey For My Sex Partners by…