On His Deathbed, the CEO of Vlasic Demands to Be Pickled
Anthony, Peter, comes closer. We’ve had a good run my boys, haven’t we? But it seems my time has come to its end. I don’t begrudge the Lord for taking me—He’s provided quite enough bounty…
Articles by Jacko
Exclamations For The 21st Century
Great Steve Job’s Ghost! iCaramba! HuRay! Oy BluVay! Shiver Me Twitters! Dislike! My BabysitterBot Has Broken The First Fundamental Law Of Robotics And Is Smothering My Child! Fuck 2.0!
Celebrities & Their Birth Names
Robert Redford – Reuben Rosenfeld Jay-Z – Jason Zimmerman Chevy Chase – Chaim Chaimowitz Jackie Chan – Yaakov Chansky Shirley Temple – Shprintzel Synagogue Whoopi Goldberg – Whoopi Goldbergsteinowitz Mel Gibson – Melvin Greenberg Jesus…
Happy Fourth of July!
Great Springsteen’s Ghost, it’s the Fourth of July! Independence Day! The day America finally shook off its tea-drinking, wizard-worshipping past and punched King George III so hard in the royal bollocks that King George VI…
John Hancock Overcompensates
“The size of your signature conveys the size of your Hancock conveys the size of your FREEDOM!” shouted John from the floor of the Second Continental Congress. The rest of the delegates rolled their eyes….
How to Fix America
If we’re going to cut back on anything this recession, make it the “-ion” so that we’re in a “recess.” Sounds more fun, boosts productivity, fixes the economy. Everyone could use a little socialism. But don’t let…
What the Founding Fathers Really Would Have Wanted
Benjamin Franklin To declare every Wednesday “Whet Your Whistle* Wednesday” and make sure all children get equal opportunity to stick their fingers in outlets and wear lightning rods on their heads. This allows only the…
Five Things
Summer hits, hot on the heels of “Call Me Maybe” 1. Date Me Slightly 2. Kiss Me Vaguely 3. Finger Me Clumsily (Hand Puppet Hos) (ft. T-Pain) 4. Fuck Her Gently (Tenacious D cover)…
New Keggy Shirts
In honor of Jim Henson and Alcohol, we’ve got new shirts! On sale this week in Novack.
Thinking with Benji Kessler
I’d like to get a full body tattoo of everything that’s behind me, cuz then I could always be invisible.
From the Long Lost Love of an Extreme Couponer
Roses are red; Violets are violet; I eat canned bread, And you stockpile it. I bought this ad space, On your receipt— I know it’s a place Your keen eyes will fleet. You…
The Swingin' Sounds of Nazi Germany
This newly unearthed document suggests that American pop music of the 60s was a widespread and conscious effort to co-opt the music of the Third Reich, a theory long held by experts in Rambling Unintelligibly…