I'm Not Breaking Up With You, I Just Don't Want to See You Anymore
No, I swear, it’s not over. We’re just never going on another date. I promise, I’m not breaking up with you. Well did I say I’m breaking up with you? Exactly. I’m not. No we’re…
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Rejected Winter Carnival Themes
❄ Snow F’sho ❄ Cocaine Wonderland ❄ rICE ❄ Christmas In February ❄ Politically Correct Fairy Tales ❄ Nuclear Winter ❄ The Snowpranos ❄ Midterms! Midterms! Midterms! ❄ The People We Lost 2013 ❄ Covidien Corp. Presents: A Very Covidien Carnival™…
How Is This Bag Full of Children Supposed To Fit Into My Workaday Lifestyle?
In this day and age, no one has time for kids, let alone a bag full of them. So how am I expected to keep to all my important calls, appointments, and personal obligations when…
My Brooch Is Definitely Not A Microphone
Hey guys, sorry I’m late to our chapter of the Russian mafia’s weekly meeting on our illegal drug operations. Let’s start talking about all of the dates and locations of our selling. I’m not talking…
Universe Fails To Win Own Beauty Contest
Both the fashion and science worlds are in a hubbub since last week’s Miss Universe Pageant, which featured an unexpected guest—the universe itself. A late entry, the eponymous universe literally waltzed onto stage, in what…
What I Love About My New Google Glass
I love my new Google Glass. It gives me the power to do anything with simple hands-free voice commands. It lets me surf the web on the go. It lets me send texts without taking…
Message in a Bottle
Dear Reader, If, by some miracle, this letter has reached you intact, please heed the message herein. I am currently stranded on an island in the middle of the south pacific. I do not know…
❦ Read the Fall Issue
Check out our latest issue Autumn Lovin’ * Available now on Novack newsstands * — Love Is All Around You, Dipshit by Charlie Laud The Hazing Seminar by Drew Zwetchkenbaum I Think My Boyfriend…
Love Is All Around You, Dipshit
Love is all around you, dipshit. Yeah, you, you limp-dicked son of a bitch. Stop your chicken shit rat race for once in your goddamn life to recognize it. Love is a truly beautiful, all-encompassing…
None Like You
I’ve been with a lot of women before, but none like you. You’re the smartest, funniest, most charming and beautiful person I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen so many. Trust me. I’ve been with a…
Sit Down, Shut Up, This Is the Hazing Seminar
Alright everyone, sit down and shut up. You are not allowed to leave this meeting. I am running it. You will listen. This is the seminar on hazing. You will refer to me as sir…
I Think My Boyfriend Is An Alien Tasked With Shepherding the Human Race to the Next Step in Its Evolution
Hey, Liz. Thanks for coming on short notice. I know I can lay my guy problems on you pretty thick, but this time it’s serious. This time I really like the guy, and I want…