It has come to that point in the fall term where it feels like everyone else has got it all together: classes, friends, extra-curriculars. It feels like everyone is always hanging out and managing all aspects of their lives perfectly. We know that this isn’t true. We are all struggling, in one way or another, but are just really good at concealing it; pretending we are completely fine.
So, it feels like we are alone in our struggles and our strengths. By putting on different masks and pretending we’ve got it all figured out, we hide our struggles — feeling alone in them. In this state of isolation, we feel like we need to muster up strength in self all by ourselves, which leads to us struggling in silence and feeling like we’re on our own when it comes to finding our way out.
This is so far from the truth! You are not alone in your struggles or in your strengths. When we are honest with ourselves and the people around us, we find that the struggles we are facing are not just happening to us. They are happening to almost everyone on campus. More importantly, the people around you can feed your strengths. We can make strength in self a collective experience by giving and receiving support and affirmation in a way that empowers one another and our entire community. Here are a few practices you can use to find strength in self and encourage strengths in others:
Take some time to step back, breathe, and truly check-in with how you are feeling. Ask yourself these three questions (it’s helpful to write down your answers!):
What are the things that are draining my energy?
What are the things that are feeding my energy in a good way?
Are the energy drainers outweighing the energy feeders? If they are, how can you add more energy feeders into your life?
Also, take some time to check-in with your friends and the people around you! We’re always going to feel alone in our struggles if we don’t talk about them. So, start a conversation with the people around you! Here are some helpful jumping off points (some of them more serious than others):
Describe your week in 3 words.
What color are you feeling?
What is your song of the day?
This last one is my favorite because the conversation can literally go anywhere. Music is a big way that we can cope with our struggles or uncomfortable feelings. Use it to reduce your stress and bond with the people around you. When I asked three students what they are listening to these days, their suggestions became a great wellbeing playlist. Give it a listen here and share your own songs with your friends to create your own! (Special thanks to Vanessa Haggans, Sebastian Costa, and Meghana Kopparthi for sharing their song recommendations!).
As you navigate the rest of this term remember to be honest with yourself and the people around you. Everyone else is struggling, just as you may be. Our strength in self comes from the people around us as much as it comes from within. Take a deep breath, blast some tunes, and remember you’re not alone and we’re in this together.
LB and I had fun discussing our Sept-Oct theme, Strength in Self on an Instagram Live today. If you’re an Instagram user, feel free to check out the recording and follow our account! I bring this up because a lot of our conversation was about the value of cultivating a strengths-based perspective.
Take a moment to reflect on the way that you typically think about yourself. Are your thoughts primarily oriented toward the qualities that you and others value most, or do you tend to get more hung up on characteristics and features that you wish were somehow different?
If your honest answer is the latter, you’re not alone. It seems like most people zoom in on all the things that are not to their liking. We question how we look, our voice, our abilities, our talent, our intelligence, and our value in the lives of others. And all of these tendencies combine to create a deficit-based perspective toward ourselves.
When this becomes our primary stance toward ourselves, it can result in the formation of a belief that the things that make us who we are are somehow not enough. It can trigger shame, causing us to withdraw or hold back from relationships. It can produce feelings of depression or anxiety. And it can generate enough worry about the potential for rejection that we start to cling to it, insisting that there is value in viewing oneself through this lens.
The most common argument in defense of a deficit-based perspective is that you can’t improve yourself unless you are willing to do the hard work of focusing on the parts of yourself that are not to your satisfaction. In other words, it is viewed as a pathway for making positive changes. I want to acknowledge that we all have weaknesses, and that it can be beneficial to work on these areas. However, beating yourself up over a perceived shortcoming is rarely a useful source of motivation.
More often, it only reinforces the belief that there is something about you that is unacceptable. Any inability to accept yourself can actually be a barrier to change. By contrast, self-acceptance is often a fast track toward growth and development. When we acknowledge and accept who we are and where we’re at, it frees us up to address things about ourselves from a desire to grow. Focusing on things you want to change about your performance can be effective. Wanting to change who you are is more likely to result in getting stuck.
In contrast to all of this, a strengths-based perspective is grounded in a fundamental belief that you are enough, right now, just as you are. It can help you to be more aware of the capacities and values that you carry with you through life and serve as a springboard toward desired outcomes. One way that this works is that it offers you the ability to really SEE the strengths that are uniquely yours, and explore how these strengths play out in our life. You can then begin to apply your strengths more strategically in a way that helps you build authentic relationships, work toward goals, and produce good things for your life.
A useful tool for identifying your strengths is a free, online instrument called the VIA Survey of Character Strengths. The 24 strengths that make up this framework are considered universal, positive human capacities. In other words, they represent qualities that are valued in every culture (e.g. honesty, kindness, judgment) and exist in every person. The VIA is only designed to illustrate your strengths – NOT your weaknesses. In other words, you have all 24 strengths, so your results are more about the degree to which you connect with or value each of the strengths rather than a measure of whether you possess these strengths in the first place.
Your results are therefore presented as a subjective ranking of your strengths from 1-24 relative to your scores for each strength. In other words, your results compare your strengths with one another (i.e. within yourself), they do NOT represent an objective ranking that compares your results to others who have taken the survey. If you’d like to try the VIA, you can use this link to take you to their site, where you’ll be asked to complete a free registration that allows you to access your account at any point in time.
It can be very helpful to reflect on your results – either on your own or by talking with out with others. Typically, the strengths at the top of your list tend to be qualities that you embody or enact without even thinking about it. They frequently feel natural or effortless to engage and require little intention. By contrast, strengths that are lower on the list might feel like they take a bit more effort and willpower to enact, but they are still very much strengths that you possess. Here are a few questions that might help you make sense of your results:
When you look at the top strengths on your list, do they represent who you are in the world?
How do each of these strengths tend to show up in your life?
How would you describe each of your top strengths in one sentence?
Bringing all of this back to our wellbeing theme of Strength in Self, becoming aware of these positive capacities provides you with a set of internal resources that you can use to navigate transitions and face adversity. A technique that can assist you in connecting your strengths to your situation is called a mindful pause. This is a simple practice that you can engage at any time: stop whatever you’re doing, pay attention to your breath for 10-15 seconds, bring your current situation fully to mind, and then ask yourself:
“What strength(s) do I want or need to call forth right now?”
If you’re new to strengths, you may want to try this while scanning the results of your strengths survey. Notice which strengths stand out to you (for whatever reason) and then consider how you might apply them to your situation. Perhaps they are qualities that were helpful for similar situations in your past. Or maybe this is about trying something new.
In any case, trust that every strength has the capacity to support your wellbeing by bringing good things to your life. If you’d like to talk about this further, set up a wellness check-in with a member of our team and bring your results along. We’d love to help you explore the best within you!
Most importantly, trust that you have strengths to draw upon, that you are creative, resourceful and whole, and that you are a vital part of our Dartmouth community. If you find yourself doubting any of this, please reach out for support. We’d love to be there for you, and help you find your Strength in Self.
