Failed Dartmouth College Mascots

Are you disappointed in the Big Green or the Dartmouth Indian? Do you think they’re the worst mascots ever? Well, they’re not – Dartmouth has always had difficulty coming up with non-offensive, concrete mascots! Here are but a few examples from the Athletic Department’s sordid past.

1. The Big Green Indian
Ever hear of the Lone Pine? Well, Wakulo, the fabled Abenaki green giant ate trees like that for breakfast. Along with his giant green buffalo companion, Sacho, the Big Indian used to roam the Upper Valley countryside, playing lacrosse against other giant Indians with boulders. As the tale goes, when Wakulo died, his body fell to the ground, forming the Green Mountains, and the Dartmouth buildings arose from Sacho’s immortalized droppings.

Reason for discontinuation: It turns out the entire story was made up by a racist, scheming Earth Science professor.

2. The Stuff
Every day, Gerald Cross, class of 1912, official Dartmouth mascot wearer, would wake up and don a costume. Some days he was a maple tree. Other days, he would be fruit bat, a garbage can, or a sausage. Basically he would be anything that happened to be in his room at the time. Students soon followed suit. Onlookers at football games waved plungers, flags of obscure nations, and pieces of trash in the air, yelling chants such as “Go Dartmouth miscellany!” The team’s uniforms even changed to a random assortment of styles and colors from a Scottish kilt to a banana suit, much to the annoyance of the visiting teams. This soon led to confusion, though. What could and couldn’t students cheer for? Any noun? Every noun, abstract and concrete? What then was Dartmouth? Was it everything at once, or nothing?

Reason for discontinuation: Existential crisis.

3. Barrelly, the Barrel of Ale
Oh boy, it’s Barrelly – look at him go! He can’t see where he’s going, because he’s a walking barrel of ale, forever doing a barrel stand.

Reason for discontinuation: Most people who wore the costume died from the bends!

4. Cuppy, the Cup of Tea
It’s always teatime for Cuppy – look at him go! Cuppy and his sidekick Sconey are having just a brilliant time.

Reasons for discontinuation: The American Revolution, could only be played by midgets

5. The Small Greens
Tiny green people – from Mars! But don’t worry, they aren’t here to destroy Earth. They just want to beat Princeton!

Reason for discontinuation: Could only be played by hundreds of green midgets.