So You’re Going to Rob A Bank

So you’ve decided to rob a bank. Congratulations. You made a lot of sacrifices getting here. You probably cut eyeholes in a sock. Watched your friend’s copy of Snatch because “dude it’s so good you’re going to love it.” Maybe you even blew up an orphanage for kids whose parents died in explosions. I don’t know. Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t. I’m not saying anything either way. You sick bastard.

But before you go in for the heist, there are a couple of things you should do.

1) Just go to the intended bank and stand outside of it. Contemplate it. Put your thumb and forefinger on your chin and just fucking contemplate it. Appreciate the lush topiaries, the Romanesque pillars, the fine marble steps. Man, this bank is awesome. I bet they give out candy at the front desk. Enjoy the fountain, the attractive, and kind of vaguely Scarlett Johansson looking teller taking her lunch break on the steps. What’s she eating? It looks like a vegetarian wrap, something really well made. That’s nice. It seems like she’s a nice lady. What? Oh, she’s going back inside.

Now, you have appreciated the bank.

2) Get a gun. Not a toy gun. A real gun. Put the gun in the air. Wave it like you don’t care. Don’t do this in public. DON’T DO THIS IN PUBLIC.

3) Eat a good meal the night before (if you follow one step in the list, it should be this).

4) Something you shouldn’t do—If you’re a man, don’t give yourself an erection and stand behind someone in line saying “this is a stickup.” No matter how much time you put into this joke, this won’t work. And they won’t ask you if this is a gun or you’re just happy to see them—they will just think you’re weird, you sick, blown up parents orphan killer.

5) Walk in and whip the gun out—shit, you didn’t really prepare for this. My bad. But honestly, how did you not manage to get this far when you first read this guide? Didn’t you learn to skim in college? Also, and this is probably more relevant, how are you still reading this while you’re engaged in an elaborate police standoff? Are you out of your mind?

6) Look around for a ventilation shaft to escape through. Great, open it up and crawl into it, looking for an exit. You might not get any money, but you might just get out of this jam—Oh, look, there’s a place to drop down outside, all you have to do is make sure the police don’t notice you.

7) But unfortunately your stomach rumbles and the police see you coming out of the ventilation shaft like some hungry baby that can’t eat a good meal the night before EVEN THOUGH I EXPLCITLY TOLD YOU THIS WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP—DIDN’T I!

8) Now you’re in jail. Uh-oh. Looks like you’re the worst bank robber ever. Wait 16 years (15 for armed robbery, 1 for just having no idea what you’re doing).

9) Get out of jail into the future, where everything is made out of pure soulful emotion, and sensual singer James Blunt is on every station, performing his bluesy pop songs.

10) Go back to step one.

Phew—What a blast that was! I hope you’ve learned a lot about eating a good meal, you frighteningly stupid individual.