Origins of Cheap Alcohol

Maria: “Quick, Gabriella, step on those grapes faster! Franz the Giant Baby, he grows thirsty!”
Gabriella: “I am trying as hard as I can, but my feet, they grow tired. I don’t think they can step any longer.”
Maria: “But we must keep going. You know how Franz gets when he is upset!”
Gabriella: “Yes, of course I know, all of Tuscany knows the angry roar of Franz the Giant Baby! But he is running us dry. I can’t take it any longer!”
Maria: “What else could we possibly do? He will eat us alive!”
Gabriella: “Listen. I have made a plan. In this bucket, I have two litres of cyanide. We just feed this to him, and we will be free of his tyrannical baby grip!”
Maria: “You mean we will no longer have to make oversize boxes of grape juice for Franz the Giant Baby?!”
Gabriella: “Exactly!”
Maria: “But what will we do with all of the giant juiceboxes? We have made thousands of them already!”
Gabriella: “That’s the other part of my idea. Just wait for twenty years… and then you will understand.”

2. Andres Champagne

Caprese, Italy, 1972:

Giuseppe: “Good morning, Mario. I take it your wine is all ready for the Tuscany Championships later today?”
Mario: “I would bet my most prized lasagne on this new wine! It is a merlot that punches you in the face like a donkey wearing boxing gloves, but just as soft as the soft caress of a donkey not wearing boxing gloves.”
Giuseppi: “You seem very confident, I see.”
Mario: “Indeed I am.”
Giuseppi: “Well then, maybe you should take a look at your wine casks!”
…
Mario: “Oh no, it cannot be! Franz the Giant Baby has devoured all of my wine! He’s even eaten all of my grapevines!!! You scoundrel!”
Giuseppi: “Haha! The title of best winemaker in Tuscany is mine!”
Mario: “Not so fast, Giuseppi. I have a plan as of yet… Gabriella, quick, get some bottles of 7-Up and some food coloring!!!”

3. Keystone Light

Keystone Corporation, 1973:

Chase: “Gentlemen. Our business is down. We have to act fast. We need to make cheap beer. And not just cheap. Extremely cheap. This is why I have hired this linguist to invent the cheapest thing we can sell that still satisfies the definition of ‘beer.’ Giuseppi, read the definition!’
Giuseppi: “An alcoholic beverage made from starch, fermented, with hops or other substances to add a bitter flavor.”
Chase: “Here’s our plan. We’re gonna take some potatoes. That’s the starch. We’re gonna put them in water. Mix in some ethanol. Then, Woodward, you’re going to incite unrest in the potatoes. That’s an alternate definition of ‘ferment.’ Finally, Whitby, you’re going to insult the potatoes to make them bitter.”
Mario: “The USDA does not appreciate metaphor, Chase! They won’t let it pass!”
Giuseppi: “Wait, I’ve got it. One of the lesser-known sub-definitions is ‘any alcoholic drink!”
Chase: “Brilliant! Let’s go back to using hobo urine as we were originally intending!”