1953: A Fable

Grayson and Hannah approached hesitantly the newly finished entrance to the Class of 1953 Commons.  It was decorated with all of their favorite foods: the walls were covered with a layer of tessellated chicken tenders, the windows trimmed with chili fries.  The shingles of the roof were slices of pizza and the doors themselves were made of chicken parmesan.  The handles doubled as frozen yogurt dispensers.

The students marveled at the assortment of delicacies before them, admiring equally the buildings succulence as well as its flawless craftsmanship.  It seemed to shine in the early evening with a glaze of grease.  Grayson broke out of his daze first and rushed hungrily toward the front entrance.  Hannah was less certain.  “Shouldn’t we use the side door?”  But Grayson had already gone inside, and the door of cheese and pasta sauce swung after him invitingly.

The interior of the building was even more stupendous than the outside.  In front of the students stretched a long and spacious room, like a dining hall, with several tables placed about.  On one was a small garden from which, apparently, one could pick fresh salad ingredients.  On another, a fountain of Odwalla spurted perpetually high into the air.  From the ceiling hung a chandelier made of General Tso’s Chicken.

Grayson, a varsity rugby player, couldn’t contain his ravenous belly and stuck his entire head into a pyramid of lasagna.  “Come on, Hannah!” he shouted, taking his head out to breathe.  “This stuff is delicious!”

“I don’t know,” Hannah said, still standing near the entrance.  “Don’t we have to pay for this stuff?”

Just then, a dark creature descended from above, suspended by a silver string.  It was the size of a person, with the body of a spider and the head of a witch whose salivating  tongue protruded from wart-covered lips.  Initially, Hannah was revolted by the mutant being, until she realized she felt better about her own body image in comparison.  Gripping the chandelier and leaning downward, the creature smiled at Hannah, revealing a row of dull yellow teeth.  “Don’t worry about the price, dear.  You may eat all you like.”

“Awesome!” came a muffled exclamation from within the lasagna.

“Really?” Hannah said dubiously, but soon found herself lapping from the smoothie fountain.

For several hours, the students feasted on the delicious options around them.  They were so caught up in the act of eating that they hardly noticed the spider creature poking their stomachs and arms with its bristly appendages, examining how much they had grown in girth.  Gradually, it spun cocoons around their bodies, which expanded each minute with scrumptious flesh.  The creature hid in a dark corner, stirring a special marinade for later.

Eventually the students lay on the floor, bloated and exhausted.  “Wow,” Grayson panted, “I think I gained the Freshman Fifteen all at once.”  Hannah had not heard him; she was calculating how many hours of the coming week she would have to spend on the elliptical.  “We should get back to our rooms,” she said.  Both of them tried to stand up but found that their legs were tied together.  “Hey!” Grayson shouted, “What’s up with that?”

The drooling arachnid boomed from the darkness of the vaulted ceiling.  “You must eat!  You must stay here to eat!”  It jumped down and strung the students’ jaws shut to quiet their protests.  Realizing they would eat no more, the spider finished encasing Grayson and Hannah in his web and scurried with them out the door, delivering them to Parkhurst for the the administration banquet that night.