Bible Studies

by Natta Goodman

In light of the recent non-apocalypse, I have turned to the bible to seek solace in a world torn apart by religion.  I was surprised to learn that the book was not filled with idioms such as “Don’t kill people” and “wear clean underwear”.  Instead, one must tease out the lessons of life by reading between the lines.  I have turned to some random passages and interpreted their true meaning (and I did not let pesky things like “context” cloud my judgment).

Ezekiel 40:47

“Then he measured the court: it was square—a hundred cubits long and a hundred cubits wide.  And the altar was in front of the temple.”

Lesson:  The square is the holiest of all geometric figures. This is why all churches and cathedrals have square floor plans.  God hates rounded architecture, that is why Rome fell, they had too many arches and domes.

Judges 19:29

“When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel.”

Lesson:  Normally killing another human being is a bad thing, even if she is a concubine.  However, if you slice her in to 12 parts (the holiest of numbers) and send the parts to Israel, you will be forgiven for your sins.

Kings 4:17

“But the woman became pregnant, and the next year about that same time she gave birth to a son, just as Elisha had told her.”

Lesson:  Women are supposed to be pregnant for a year.  The fact that most modern women give birth after 9 months is proof that feministic values are ruining our society.  Women need to stop working and go back to being the child bearing vessels that God made them.

Romans 16:21

“Timothy, my fellow worker, sends his greetings to you, as do Lucius, Jason, and Sosipater, my relatives.”

Lesson:  If you meet God’s relatives/coworkers, be sure to say “Hi.”  They have been waiting thousands of years to see you.

Kings 4:41

“Elisha said, ‘Get some flour.’ He put it in the pot and said, ‘Serve it to the people to eat.’ And there was nothing harmful in the pot.”

Lesson:  Pot is awesome, and totally not harmful.

Exodus 33:16

“Then Moses said, ‘Now show me your glory.’”

Lesson:  Show him your glory