Five Things: Heat Edition

Five Things Famous Historical Figures Did to Get Out of the Heat

1. Marry a frigid woman (Bill Clinton)
2. Get “lost” on your way to the South Pole (Ernest Shackleton)
3. “Live” in Nepal (Tenzing Norgay)
4. Retire (Shaquille O’Neal)
5. Die (Ted Williams)
   

   You actually LIVE near Mt. Everest? We see through your ruse, Tenzing.

Five Extremely Cold Drinks

1. The Happy Feet (penguin blood + vodka)
2. Rocks on the Rocks (rocks + rocks + ice)
3. The Drowning Polar Bear (Blue Curacao + a marshmallow)
4. The Pluto (liquid nitrogen + misery in a Pyrex glass)
5. The Chilly Narwhal (blended ice and hamburger meat, with a two-foot long icicle on top)

Five Things Improved by 100-Degree Heat

The narwhal: so beautiful, so awkward, but so delicious.

1. My uncle’s business selling refrigerators
2. My uncle’s side-business destroying recently-sold refrigerators
3. Easy refrigerator jokes
4. Getting trapped in a walk-in freezer
5. My collection of “ice-porn”