Irrefutable Proof that Jim Kim is a Scientologist

by Alex Procton ’15

1. His crusade against the humanities will eventually leave only the sciences and Scientology.
2. JYK hates psychiatry because it has never cured an AIDS patient.
3. His location on Frat Row is optimal for “rehabilitating” drug- and alcohol-addicted students by teaching them about Dianetics.
4. I saw him offering students “stress tests” outside of Collis.
5. President Kim is able to summon skunks and provide scant weeks of nice weather while new students tour the campus, as he has attained Operating Thetan level VIII, “The Truth Revealed.”
6. His position as president of a small liberal-arts college located in rural New Hampshire means that there is no way he could get Conan O’Brien or Ke$ha to come here without some sort of secret cult connection.
7. Everyone who comes out of Parkhurst has been seen mumbling something about Xenu, Thetans, volcanoes, space airplanes, and how soothing Jim Kim’s explanation of all of this was.
8. President Kim fled to this sleepy hamlet to escape the clutches of the Galactic Confederacy, but they have recently grown wise, infiltrating the town and forcing Ben and Jerry’s to leave and Gusanoz to shut down.
9. The money light actually comes from when JYK is auditing another student.
10. This year’s commencement speaker is rumored to be Isaac Hayes’s corpse, used as a marionette by the Phantom Limb people. He will lecture us on acceptance and then perform “Theme from Shaft.”