A Brief History of Our Nation’s Leaders and Their Skills in Pong

by Alex Procton ’15

Since the dawn of time, man has sought to enhance competitive game-playing with alcohol, and our own United States of America is no exception. The history of pong in the US begins with our Founding Fathers, who staged the Boston Tea Party because British taxes made tea pong prohibitively expensive to play. But pong’s evolution did not stop when our overseas oppressors were driven out, and here we present a brief history of American presidents playing pong

George Washington was first introduced to the game by his soldiers when he wintered at Valley Forge. Unfortunately for him, and fortunately for our fledgling nation, Washington sucked so much that he never wanted to play, and was able to soberly navigate across the Delaware River.

Thomas Jefferson founded the University of Virginia so he could play drinking games whenever he wanted. Monticello was built to make visiting campus easier. Jefferson also fathered a secret family with his slaves, which is unrelated, but totally something he might have gotten really drunk and done.

Andrew Jackson was famous for being as tough as nails and as enthusiastic about getting on table as he was about expanding the power of the presidency. He once shut down the Bank of the United States so that he could play Social with his cabinet. And also because he hated the Bank.

William Harrison gave his inaugural address in the rain wearing no jacket because he was so drunk from running back Harbor an hour before that he no longer felt cold. He later died after two months in office, because binge drinking has some consequences.

Millard Fillmore is a mystery. Seriously, do you expect me to believe this guy governed our country? I bet he was really good at pong, though. I don’t know anything about him, but I have this hunch.

William Taft refused to partake unless he could play donut pong.

Franklin Roosevelt had a little trouble playing pong.

John F. Kennedy was assassinated for introducing the dirty Communist game of Beirut into our country following the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Richard Nixon was a great pong player. What, you didn’t think his ping-pong diplomacy skills had any other practical use?

Jimmy Carter was really bad at pong and solving hostage crises, but that’s okay because he’s great at peanut farming and advancing the cause of human rights.

George Bush (HW and W) are not to be trifled with. Their entire college careers turned them into the perfect pong-playing machines. Don’t get on table against one, but also, definitely don’t get on table against both of them.