A Day In The Life of A Dartmouth Student: Keggy

by Amanda Young ’15

10:00 a.m. Rough morning. Keggy falls overs walking to the Life Sciences Center for Geography 23, Recycling at the Big Green: Reusing Keystone Light Cans.

12:45 p.m. Keggy enjoys a hearty breakfast at Foco: unlimited mixers.

1:32 p.m. Keggy stumbles onto Frat Rowe. Drinkin’ time…

1:24 p.m. Frat Row is abandoned. Keggy enters basement and sulks over chugging.

1:58 p.m. Keggy strolls into his 2, Beverage Management.

2:00 p.m. Professors kicks Keggy out for bringing six-pack to Business Management. Beverage Management’s only offered at Cornell…a drunken error.

2:45 p.m. Drinkin’ time.

3:12 p.m. Ummm…drinkin’ time.

3:27 p.m. Drinkin’ time?! Or not? Keggy has run dry…

3:45 p.m. Keggy sprints to back of Fuel to oil his pump.

4:15 p.m. Keggy heads to Hanover to pre-club Students Against Destructive Decisions meeting.

4:34 p.m. Keggy dances on table at Canoe Club.

4:36 p.m. Waiter bans Keggy from Canoe Club.

5:00 p.m. Keggy wobbles into Collis Lounge and finds himself in Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

5:13 p.m. “My name is Keggy and I’m an alcoholic!” Drinks shot.

6:59 p.m. Keggy stumbles into the center of men’s varsity soccer vs. Brown and tackles Bruno, the Brown mascot. Go Dartmouth!

7:02 p.m. Hanover Police wins the mascot fight.

7:14 p.m. Keggy cleanses himself from an eerie stench of weed with Keystone Light.

7:13 p.m. Keggy blacks out*

*Note by Safety & Security: Keggy failed to remember anything that happened after getting Good Sammed though he was sighted by students at all 16 frats, 2 co-eds, and Jim Kim’s closet grinding, booting, rallying, and well drinkin’ according to interviews by Dick’s House.