As the Green Turns

Professor Ruiz motioned to the board sensuously with his pointer. His thick Mexican accent cut through the dense Calculus jargon like a warm knife through a ripe mango.

“Class, can anyone tell me the answer to this integral?” he posed.

“The answer is one,” shouted Cassandra from the back of the lecture hall. “If your question is, how many times did you steal my heart!”

Professor Ruiz turned around with an expression of horror and surprise, all indicated by his eyebrows. “Cassandra… I thought you graduated! You were supposed to be studying with that Swiss math genius at the University of Geneva!”

“That was all a lie, Professor Ruiz! I never got on the plane. I’ve been sitting in the back of your classroom for the past six months!”

“Cassandra!” shouted Edwin from the doorway. “Don’t do it!”

Cassandra turned around with an expression of horror and surprise, all indicated by her eyebrows. “Edwin! I thought you were Parkhursted!”

“Cassandra, I don’t care if I’m not allowed on this campus anymore. That one time we met in the basement of Eta Psi was the best night of my life, and I can’t let you leave me for that scumbag Ruiz!”

Ruiz threw his pointer to the ground in disgust. “It was all your fault! I caught you cheating red-handed!”

Edwin put down his backpack dramatically. “Don’t you mean… cheating on me with Cassandra? I have proof!”

“Not so fast!” said the Dean from the other doorway.

They all turned around with an expression of horror and surprise, all indicated by their eyebrows.

“Professor Ruiz is not who you think he is, Cassandra and Edwin. We’ve been keeping a watch on him for the past six months. Professor Ruiz is not a Mexican-born professor of Mathematics. But he is in fact, a Russian spy! Now, don’t move, Petrov, the CIA is waiting in the hallway!”

Ruiz’s eyebrows twitched and undulated with an expression of horror and surprise, as did Cassandra’s and Edwin’s.

A student raised her hand. “So like… was the answer seven or what?”