Mixed Drinks for Your Mixed-Up Lives

Rocks on the Rocks on the Rocks on the Rocks
Ingredients:
1 member of the Rockapellas
ice
Instructions:
1. Invite a member of the Rockapellas on a date to the Velvet Rocks hiking trail.
2. Chuckle at the pun.
3. Tell her that you feel like you two aren’t really working out.
4. Point out that that means your relationship is “on the rocks.”
5. Pour ice on her fingers as she hangs onto the cliff for dear life.
6. Chuckle all the way back to campus.

Elephant Gun/Human Keg
1 keg
power tools
1. Break open the top of a keg.
2. Saw a hole in the bottom.
3. Shotgun the keg.
4. Pump beer out of your own stomach.
5. Chuckle all the way to the hospital.

Freshman’s Secret
1 oz. vodka
Fill with fruit juice of your choice
1. Sip a nice-tasting drink of your choice.
2. Enjoy the flavor at your own pace.
3. Have a fun evening without drinking to excess.
4. Don’t tell any of your friends. They haven’t realized you can do that.

Plaque-Out
1 bottle mouthwash
1 handle gin
1. Alternate shots of mouthwash and gin.
2. Black out.
3. Wake up with a fresh taste in your mouth and improved whitening.

The Afficionado
1 can Keystone Light
1 cup Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac 1996
1. Sip can of Keystone.
2. Spit into faces of onlookers.
3. Chide them for their silly American drinking habits and lack of culture.
4. Extol the far superior quality of the fine French wine.
5. Repeat in front of group of different onlookers.
6. Never drink the wine. That shit’s expensive.

Fairy Godparent
Orange juice
Grenadine
“Special Sauce”
1. Hand to a frat brother.
2. Tell him to give it to a girl of his choice because it has “special sauce.”
3. The morning after they hook up, tell him that there was no special sauce in the drink at all. It was all just a ruse to show that the two of them really do love each other, and the whole thing was not just an alcohol-induced bad decision.
4. Still get arrested for sexual assault.

The Tradition
Bacardi 151
1 cup sod
7 different types of liqueur
1. Put the sod in a cup, symbolizing rushing the field.
2. Fill with 7 types of liqueur symbolizing the Dartmouth 7.
3. Top with 151 and light on fire, symbolizing touching the fire.
4. Now drink it freshman, because it’s a Tradition!

Sex on the Second Floor of ’53 Commons
1 oz. Vodka
1/2 oz. Peach Schnapps
Orange juice from Foco
Cranberry juice from Foco
3 brownies from Foco
5 salmon steaks from Foco
1. Blend the salmon and brownies together.
2. Mix with water and vodka.
3. Don’t drink, just put it in the trash carousel.
4. Feel vindicated.

The Jim Kim Special
1 oz. Midori melon liqueur
1 oz. antibiotics
Fill with kimchi
1. Mix ingredients into a large, emerald-studded goblet.
2. Charge an exorbitant fee for the drink.
3. If it isn’t good, blame the Liberal Arts.